Mexico Reverses Flow Of Illegal Immigration By Legalizing Drugs
In a bold step meant to combat both the costly drug war and the bad PR that his citizens give Mexico when they illegally immigrate to the United States and corrupt the purity of its bloodline, President Vincente Fox has decided to decriminalize the possession of small amounts of various drugs. Marijuana, cocaine, heroin and other recreational drugs will be legalized in small personal amounts, a move that is expected to bolster Mexico's fledgling "Guest Spring Breaker" program.
"This ought to, um..." said Fox in a statement. "You know, with the United...what's-his-face. Bush. Somebody get that elephant out of there."
The new law will lure some Americans into establishing a substantial undocumented immigrant population to counter the number of Mexican citizens unlawfully living in the U.S. It is also expected to tempt would-be illegal immigrants to the United States back to their hometowns so they can take drugs in Mexico that they would otherwise be stealing from Americans.
"I'll tell you why it's so hard to get good coke around here these days," offered John Bryson, junior at San Diego High School: "It's 'cause the Mexicans snort it all up before it has a chance to get up here. It's very important that we have enough blow, X and weed to go around for citizens of this nation before we go giving it away to the illegals [immigrants], and this law, my friends and I agree, is a step in the right direction."
Many who have trouble landing a score or find it impossible to make enough money turning tricks for a heroin fix in the States are now setting their sights on the promise of new opportunities in Mexico.
"I know that I'd never get a visa or a green card, given my record of DWI's, petty theft and various drug busts," said Dave Hershfelder of Moline, AL, "but if that Mr. Presidente de Mexico is going to make it legal for me to get high, I'm a lot better off in Mexico as an undocumented user than I am in the States, where my rap sheet is a mile long."
Other Americans voiced their newfound consideration for Mexico as a vacation destination... possibly even a permanent one.
"We were going to go down to Mexico just to whoop it up for a week on vacation, and buy a few souvenirs to send to our families back home, but given this new kick-ass law, my girlfriend and I might stay down there indefinitely," said Mark Stins, recent University of Michigan graduate. "The possibilities are limitless: cheap booze, bribable police and legal drugs. This is truly the land of opportunity."
As expected, frat boys across the country were also thrilled.
"I don't know what this 'Mexrico' is," said one Penn State freshman with a grin, "but I like the sound of it!"
Some officials in the United States have voiced opposition to the new law, but most are showing support. Experts say that the new law will be good for the economies of the small Mexican towns and will prove that Americans provide an invaluable service to the drug industry.
"We tried to promote a boycott of Mexican drugs in the states to prove the breadth of our influence, but it's so hard these days to tell what comes from just south of the border, and what's been brought up from Columbia, Venezuela, or from some horticulturist's basement," said Paul Hornsby, journalist for High Times magazine. "Our boycott really just led us down to Dave [Robinson]'s basement to get high off his hydroponic stash, which was better than that shit we got from Baja last year anyway."
Hornsby maintains that Americans provide an essential boost to the Mexican drug culture, and that legislation reflecting the vital addition to Mexico's black market that the United States contributes is a nice gesture, albeit overdue.
"Just think what would happen to the Mexican drug economy if there were no Americans buying the vast quantities of illegal drugs that we so generously consume on a yearly basis," pondered Hornsby. "This is a victory for Americans everywhere, legal or illegal, who provide such an unrecognized, yet substantial pillar to support Mexico's most popular export. They [the Mexican Senate] have done the right thing, and made it easier for Americans to increase the profits of Mexico's poppy growers and cocoa farmers."
President Bush dismissed the move as mere "Pree Arr [sic]."
"Everybody knows Ronald Reagan and my father won the war on drugs over 16 years ago," he scoffed. "I'd honestly be surprised if this affects anybody outside of the Mexicans and maybe a black guy or two."