Israel, Hezbollah Agree To 'Mutual Destruction' Resolution; War Eventually Over
Most of the world at large breathed a sigh of relief today with the news that Israel and Hezbollah have finally agreed on resolving their conflict in a way that will end the war, opting to continue vigorously fighting until they are both completely obliterated from the Earth.
The resolution represents a breakthrough agreement between the two sides, who each say that they are "just sick of the fighting".
"Most of the deaths here are civilians, and for what?" said Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert. "This war is just the latest in a series of senseless battles, and now we're going to end it, eventually."
"You said it, buddy," chimed in Hezbollah leader Hassan Nasrallah, who was standing next to Olmert. "Now let's shake on it."
"Ah!" Olmert said, spotting the poison-coated dagger in Nasrallah's hand at the last second and pulling his hand back with a grin. "Now that's what I call a war-ending effort!"
Under the historic kind-of-peace accord, Hezbollah and Israel will push both their military forces on the ground and air as well as their Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots on tabletops harder than ever before in an effort to expedite each other's total annihilation.
"If there's anything that we've learned from America, it's that you need to stick to a decision you've made no matter what happens," said Olmert. "This war is something that we've committed to, and now the best way to resolve our differences is to see it through until we have no more differences, because we're all dead."
The U.N. says that it is pleased with the agreement, although it was quick to add that it was working on a "totally bad-ass" accord of its own.
"Yeah, whatever, this agreement works, I guess," grumbled one diplomat. "But we were going to vote a version of something through this week -- or next week, even -- that would've knocked everyone's socks off, for real. It pretty much would've fixed everything."
"But you know, sure, this is good too," he added, shrugging and looking bored.
Many in the international community, including the United States, are also happy, calling the agreement a cease-fire of sorts.
"We would've liked a resolution sooner, but the important thing is someday -- hopefully soon -- the fighting's going to end and this region of the Middle East will finally be at peace," said White House spokesman Tony Snow. "And you can bet that we're confident that someday, Iraq will turn out in a very similar way."
To facilitate the cessation of fighting, both sides will be dramatically ramping up their fighting forces in the days to come. Nasrallah, in a particularly touching television appearance, showed the depth of his commitment to the peace process by threatening to turn southern Lebanon "into a graveyard" for Israelis.
"I say to the Zionists, you could come anywhere, invade, land airborne forces, enter this village or that, but I repeat, all this will cost you a high price," he said with a smile. "So please, come on over and let's do this!"
It appears that Israel will only be too happy to oblige, with peace-encouraging helicopters, missiles, and tanks meeting Lebanese forces in a show of stunning cooperation.
"Final peace is within our grasp!" one Israeli commander shouted gleefully as lobbed a grenade through a nearby building. "I can feel it!"