Progress In Middle East: Demands For Death Of Christian Convert Made Peaceably
Although he is now in Italy, Afghan man Abdur Rahman only narrowly escaped being in hell (presumably) after his conversion to Christianity left hundreds of thousands of his fellow Afghans calling for him to be executed. The protests did not turn violent, however, and member nations of the U.N. expressed satisfaction at what they see as "a positive sign" that Muslims who call for the brutal death of apostates are ready to join the World Community.
"We are encouraged by the fact that these Muslims did not incite any random violence while demanding that violence be enacted against a man for the simple switch from Islam to Christianity," said British representatives to the U.N. Human Rights Council. "In light of recent demonstrations and violent protests [over cartoon characterizations of the Prophet Mohammed], this is a sign that the Muslim community is really turning things around by focusing their murderous intent on one specific person as opposed to a faceless multitude."
The restraint shown by the incensed Muslims over the "violation" of their religion, analysts say, is a sure sign that a more moderate form of Islam is on the horizon.
"Usually, the whole world finds itself in danger when one Muslim exercises his right to freedom of religion, but that the Islamic community has expressed interest in only hanging him, and not nuking New York City, is serious progress," said Bernard Vondereau, expert on Religions of the Middle East at Brandies University. "Of course, some radical elements have demanded that Bush be killed and all Western countries destroyed for voicing concern over this man's human rights, but those voices are being drowned out by the more progressive masses chanting, 'Hang him, hang him'."
"It's really quite touching," he added, "to see such a display of compassion and relativism from this traditionally-intolerant religion."
Analysts postulate that the about-face is the result of Muslim clerics who have begun persuading worshipers to see the error of their zealous ways, and to turn from the unreachable goal of killing all infidels by sticking with only those that they can easily get their hands on, like fellow Afghans who lack devotion.
His current Italian presence notwithstanding, Rahman is now the target of many clerics and their cabals of able-bodied men designed to peacefully capture the infidel, and benevolently behead him. Anticipating an otherwise-bloodless response to the verdict, world leaders are praising the uncharacteristic restraint of enraged Muslims.
"President Karzai has been elemental in the war on terror," said President Bush, "and we recognize the freedom he has brought to the country where a man can convert to Christianity and not worry about anyone's subsequent gruesome death aside from his own. Democracy has truly taken root."
Paraphrasing Joseph Stalin, Bush said, "It's true that the death of many is a statistic, but the death of one is a very small statistic, and any sign of progress is a good sign."
Other leaders like Tony Blair, Silvio Berusconi of Italy, and Jacques Chirac of France have all praised the Afghan Parliament in setting the religious prisoner free, while secretly wishing that he had stayed put.
"It's not that we want him to be murdered," said Mr. Berusconi, "but neither do we want a nuclear warhead in the trunk of a car pulling up to the Parlamento Italiano in recompense for the 'crime' of harboring a sacrilegious Christian convert."
Blair stated that he was grateful the former prisoner had not chosen Britain as his new home, saying, "The British nation, while extending our sympathy, must wash our hands of this. We've already encouraged enough lunatics to attack. This is Islam's big chance to shine by conceding that not everything is the fault of the Jews, myself or President Bush."