Saddam Abandons Hunger Strike, Settles For Low-Carb Diet
A mere 72 hours into his elective starvation allegedly designed to protest "all ya'll bitches hatin' on me", Saddam Hussein has been heard complaining loudly of intolerable hunger pangs to prison guards stationed outside his cell door, eventually switching his protest to a mere low-carb diet.
"This treatment is unacceptable!" he shouted, storming around his cement room. "I'm fucking starving in here!"
Saddam, who'd originally begun kicking his food trays back underneath the slotted cell room door for lack of something better to do, had apparently not even meant to go on a hunger strike in the first place. But after a couple days of idle kick-tray, a euphoric, low-blood sugar state had him stating that the lack of food had a purpose and claiming that he could survive on Allah alone.
"The guy's a fucking quack," his cell-next-door-neighbor, Witness "P", claims, fashioning a crude weapon out of wet toilet paper in homage to a popular myth. "Last week, he managed to get drunk somehow and we found him wandering around outside in his underwear, asking where the infidels went."
"Myth plausible," added Adam and Jamie, two certified mythbusters. "A prisoner could construct a paper crossbow out of common prison materials and hurt or kill another prisoner with it."
Upon hearing Saddam's announcement that he's decided it's a good idea not to eat until his little court battle is all cleared up, the head judge immediately ordered a month-long recess to allow the ousted dictator to adequately explore starvation.
"We really do want you to give this dietary plan a fair trial," the judge said, banging his gavel. "Adjourned."
Saddam, who remains largely unaware as to why he's even on trial to begin with, now says his low-carb approach is in response to this judge, and not the fact that he was hungry.
"Oh, you'd all love to see me die of starvation, wouldn't you?" he seethed. "Fine, bitches. Now I'm eating. But it's not going to even be much, and I won't even enjoy it. How's it feel, huh? Mess you up."
Hussein added that he would "kill you" and that he was still the President of both Iraq and Shmiraq, a Sunni-exclusive splinter country of Iraq that he invented sometime over the past two hours.
He spent the remainder of the evening consuming meat sticks and periodically accusing his jailors of unfairly subjecting him to the same atrocities he's inflicted on hundreds of thousands of his own people for decades.
Mike Tharp, one of several line cooks laid off during Saddam's short-lived anti-food stint, had to come all the way back to work after being sent home for an indefinite period of time.
"I was pretty pissed off," Tharp says, hocking a loogie and spitting it into Saddam's evening bowl of pork rinds. "I really could have used some down time."
"I love the salsa they put on these things," Hussein commented of the mucus and saliva. "Unless it's United States salsa. Then I find it oppressive and unfair."
Of Saddam's lawyers who have yet to be coincidentally shot dead, there were no comments.