Nations Pledge Corrugated Metal Shacks, Dirt Roads To Restore Haiti To Pre-Earthquake State

Pictured: believe it or not, Haiti once looked like this.

Responding to criticism of inadequate supplies to the earthquake-ravaged nation of Haiti, the U.N. today vowed to do everything in its power to return the nation to its former glory as the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere, offering tiny tin-roofed shanties, dry sterile soil for roads, and tattered clothing discarded by citizens of wealthier countries.

"What has happened here threatens to unravel an entire way of life that Haitians have forged from 250 years of political infighting and foreign occupation," read a statement from the Haitian embassy in Washington, D.C. "The people of Haiti have toiled with their bare hands to claw out of the wilderness the Western world's largest system of dirt roads and derelict villages. It would be a terrible shame were that to disappear with one terrible natural disaster."

U.S. aid forces on the ground in Haiti say the additional aid would be welcomed, and that they support the U.N.'s new strategy to elevate the nation's status back up to "failed, but actually kinda charming".

"In some places, it's a little hard to tell that an earthquake happened, but trust me: sooner or later, more and more people are going to realize what's going on, and then they'll be devastated," said U.S. Lieutenant General Ken Keen. "What we need are a few nice mounds of dirt and some filthy hovels to make them feel like this never happened."

Keen added that he has entered a request to Congress to approve the delivery of 15,000 tons of dirt to the country, bringing transportation conditions up from "impassable" to their original state of "roads, technically".

Many in the U.S. hope that the country can recover soon -- but not too well.

"We were all set to spend four days in Haiti to really get some perspective, and maybe even help their poor kids knit a sweater or something," explained Laura Grundy, a graduate student at NYU. "Then this whole earthquake thing happened, and now there's all kinds of money flowing into the country. I just hope that it doesn't end up being some kind of, like, second-world country, you know?"

"Haiti is a popular destination for our cruise ships," said a spokesman for Carnival Cruise Lines. "We feel our passengers enjoy their time in the country more knowing that they are over 56,000 times wealthier than its average citizen. If that number were to drop in half from all this aid, those good feelings could diminish."

Others, however, are scornful that Haiti is receiving any American aid at all, claiming that the U.S. could instead use the millions of dollars on its own citizens.

"Gee, I'm glad everyone is giving all their money to Haiti, of all places," wrote one man sarcastically on the Internet. "Uh, does everyone realize that if we divided up all this aid equally, we could each have like $10,000? That's almost two months of my salary!"

Another person replied, "It's absolutely disgusting that the total donation amount has surpassed what we gave after September 11th. I guess it only takes 150,000 deaths to make us all stop never forgetting."

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