Bush Eliminates Economy

Bush Eliminates Economy
by Josh Righter

Though the stock market is showing some signs of resurgence after several days of sharp drops, President Bush announced today that he would be taking additional methods to insure that the market does not fall any lower.

"We must preserve our quality of life, as well as our American freedoms," Bush said firmly in front of a crowd of thousands at the New York Stock Exchange. "That is why today, I'm pleased to announce that I will be completely eliminating the US economy, thereby pre-emptively stopping any future stock market drops."

With the economy totally gone, Bush explained, life in America as we know it will be "completely preserved exactly how it is now, forever."

"I did a lot of hard research in coming to this decision," the President said. "I looked at pictures from the stock market crash in the 1920's. I examined confusing graphs that, when decoded correctly, would somehow reveal past, present, and projected future economic trends. But most of all, I saw the pictures of sad-faced investors and brokers on newspapers and news websites across the country. All of this lead me to an inevitable conclusion: our economy is making us sad, and is just a bad thing to have around.

"That is why," Bush continued, "I'm taking away this drain on our freedoms. No longer will we have to worry about the consequences of unscrupulous corporations, or the effect any future terrorist attacks might have on the market. By removing the economy from the equation, I'm guaranteeing that life as it is now will be frozen solid forever, much like the Ice Age, when dinosaurs and humans were trapped for six billion years under the earth's frosty ocean floor."

The elimination of the economy, Bush said, will also alleviate public concerns that are not necessarily directly related to the stock market.

"I know that many of you have trouble working up the courage to ask a boss for a raise, or a promotion," Bush said with a knowing grin. "I mean, I never experienced that personally, since my daddy pretty much paid for everything for me my whole life. In fact, I'll soon be taking a month-long vacation from office at a time when the economy is uncertain and there are still fears about terrorism, and that's a hell of a lot more vacation time than most people accrue after only one year of employment."

Realizing he was digressing, Bush returned to his point.

"Anyhow, with our new economy-less society, you'll never have to worry about asking for a raise or a promotion again, because you're guaranteed not to get it. Remember, everything is frozen exactly how it is. How's that for job security?"

Admittedly, those who currently do not have jobs will remain unemployed forever, but Bush explained that he "doesn't really care".

"I'm not terribly concerned about those who don't have jobs right now," he said. "Can't you tell by the fact that I never address that issue in any of my speeches?"

Some critics have already attacked the plan as "ludicrous", "absurd", and "idi-fucking-otic", but Bush remains optimistic thus far.

"I never listened to my critics before, and I'm sure as hell not going to start now," the President said stoutly. "And with the economy being taken away, I get to be president forever, since it is my job, after all. So the critics just better get used to it."

Upon hearing this, over 300,000 Americans committed suicide.

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