Only PETA Can Save Us Now

Pictured: Harold Hippie

Dear Fellow Greenies, it is time to celebrate! Finally, after eight long years of Earth destruction and corporate greed and American fatness, we have succeeded in electing a politician whose promises sound a little less like the pocket-picking grubby words of most corporate lobbyist-encrusted fat American politicians. Finally, Mother Earth can rejoice, as can all of Her creations: ants, carrots, and louses, to name a few.

This politician -- whose name I can't quite remember, but might be something like Irock Yo'Mama (Yo'Mama referring to Mother Earth, and Irock referring to expressing love to in a physical way through the soil) -- came to me in a stuffing sleep, which is what I call it when, after I eat the stuffing of man-made couches because I can't eat man-made animals (because they aren't invented yet), I descend into a strange state of seizures, vomiting, and some sleeping. In my vision, Irock told me of a mission he had for me, which was good, because usually missions end with some sort of monetary reward that I could refuse to accept on principle.

"Harold," said Irock, taking on the form of a large Rat Friend who has taken a shine to me and the creatures living in my scalp, "I am good, but I alone cannot save Earth. You must do your part to help the environment. You must tell people more about PETA, or I will give you even more diseases than I probably already have."

My friends, Irock the Rat was correct, as most animals are. Yes, I do already spend a lot of my time helping animals by neither eating them nor not verbally attacking humans who do, but it would be even more righteous for me to put together an update on the doings of my favorite do-goodie two-shoes (just kidding, no shoes), People for the E Treatment of Animals (I actually forget what the E stands for).

Let me explain. As all of us enviro-types know, PETA is like the Christian Church for Animal Solidarity, without the Crusades or Holocaust or discrimination against animals. PETA is a beacon of hope that someday, the rationality and logic of animal liberation will win out against the corporate / union / capitalist / anarchoagrarianist greed and corruption that has shredded Mother Lover Earth's virgin hymen. And now, using The Enduring Vision, which broadcasts to billions of people every day (it's huge in China), can serve as my launching pad for PETA's action alerts (I guess more like lily pad, since space exploration is a personal slap in our Earth Goddess' face).

First, PETA is urging that Michael Vick have a brain scan. The idea is, obviously, that anyone who would sacrifice dogs for sport must have an enormous tumor or alien growing where his brain should be. I think this is a brilliant idea, and one that you should support with whatever you use for bartering. Then again, I knew that he was crazy the moment that I heard he made his living by throwing around a (formerly) live pig(skin). The only time you should be touching pigs, my bros, is to stroke them softly while you whisper sweet nothings in their ears.

Next, "During this time of historic change for our country," says their website, "say 'Yes, we can' to going vegetarian in 2009!" Well, first off, I love that they use the slogan "Yes we can", because, yes, I already did! I'm eight steps ahead of them here, since I went veggie when I was 2, vegan when I was 2.1 (fuck milk), raw vegan when I was 6 (fuck steam), and then weeditarian after that (I wrote extensively on why lettuce and plants and shit should be protected). Contrary to what those anti-drug commercials say, it actually is totally possible to live only on the smoke from weed (with occasional couch stuffing supplements). It just goes to show that you can't listen to anything you hear from a man-made device where you look at a screen.

Finally, PETA is fighting the good fight against science, which abuses Nature's Loving Teat (NLT, for short -- I say this all the time) in order to make profits. How any human being could ever think that testing drugs on animals is right, I'll never know, because I only test drugs on myself. Plus, think about this: if we test drugs on all the animals, and then they die, how will our planet have any natural balance left to protect itself against asteroids and spontaneous combustion? Listen up, lieintists: if you cause an asteroid to kill our gorgeous, loving, living Mother Planet Goddess, I will find you, and I will hope that many boils engulf you while I'm there...just like your SUV has engulfed and devoured all Mother Earth's oily milk, oil, so that you can feed your disgusting capitalist American ego.

That does it for my PETA update, my bros and sisses. Stay tuned for more sometime in the next five years, depending on my supply of weed, and what Irock might tell me next!

Harold Hippie is a Steward Of The Earth living in California. He no longer believes that PETA stands for "Please Eat Them Animals".

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