It's Been A Long Time Since A Vague, Fleeting Notion Totally Changed My Shit

Pictured: Harold Hippie

Dudes, I know I constantly try and be your guiding light of optimism about the human condition (i.e., the animal condition), but truth be told, I'm feeling a little bummed today. The grass doesn't seem as green. The sky doesn't seem as green. The hands with eyes on them that come out of the sky and look at me don't seem as green. You get the picture, which is good, because I'm not 100% sure I'm with me on whatever I was getting at up there. Remind me to explain later.

I must be getting old, Brosephs. It's the only way I can explain why it's been a totally long time since some far-out idea that I can't quite explain, describe, or remember made me open my eyes and go, "Wow." Back in the day, every time I got high, listened to String Cheese Incident, or both, it was like, "Whoa, dude -- my whole shit just got changed." My shit was altered on a daily basis, as much as humans can even define what a day is.

But now? There's maybe a body buzz, maybe Umphrey's [McGee] puts on a good show, but it's always like, "Dude, that was cool, I guess. I'm tired now." And then, despite all the world-altering shit that I know I have left to think about doing, I just sort of fall asleep. And that, my dudes, is no way to be.

Every morning, I wake up and get ready to hang out with my coworkers (if I worked there) at Veggie Burrito King, and I never think to myself, "Dude, what was that crazy revelation I had last night?" Know why? Because they never happen anymore! It's a total drag. Time was, I could get ripped, read just a sentence or two out of some book like "Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas", and be like, "So long, shit. You just got blown away." Well, last week, I read the new "High Times" twice, and it barely even rocked my world, much less got me high.

It's like I want to go back in time, like in that one movie I once saw. Back before I realized that all Republicans are evil fascists, or that we can't use products made from animals because the animals love us and don't want us to, because when you first have those revelations, you think your shit will be fundamentally changed forever. I guess you can only handle so many epiphanies, because then you might have counter-revelations that make you think it's okay to harm an animal while shaking hands with a Republican or something, and that would just be a total downer.

So aside from a few times, like when I realized for probably the fourth or fifth time that the Universe is One (with a capitol 'O' because that probably means more than a small 'o'), it's been pretty much status quo. Sorry to bring everyone down, but it's kind of sad to think that I'll never be as, "Whoa, dude," when I realized that there is an arrow in the FedEx logo, and then I further realized that FedEx wants to kill us and is practically telling us so by pointing an arrow at our souls.

The moral, Earth bros, is simple: we all have to grow up sometime, even if it's not exactly like what Dylan said: "I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now." How could that be? I'm totally older than that now, thank you very much.

...wait, I just had a thought, it was... hold on... hey, that's it! It's like, well... no, never mind. I was just thinking that it'd be cool if Jimmy John's were still open, 'cause I'm totally hungry, but it's probably too late. That sucks. What if restaurants could open, like even when you thought they were closed? That would be something that could possibly upend my shit. I might just write my Congressman about that, as long as he's that guy who lives next to me, and I can just go over there and ask him.

Harold Hippie is a Steward Of The Earth living in California. He hopes you have an epitome every single hour.

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