It's Time We Give Lettuce The Respect It Deserves

Pictured: Harold Hippie

For as long as I can remember, I've been fighting the good fight against animal cruelty. From yesterday, when I smoked several peace pipes as a sign of peace for the animals (since it was a peace pipe, after all, and plus I could've been smoking animals like most people do) to last night, when I fell asleep using a blanket made out of eucalyptus leaves and some trash that I picked up off the highway, my life has been devoted to making sure animals enjoy the same rights as us dirty, despicable, stupid humans.

But Fellow Humans and Apes Who Can Read Thanks To Cruel Science Experiments, when I woke up this morning, I saw that in my inconsiderate sleep, I had crushed some of my eucalyptus leaves, plus some old condom wrappers. I stared at the broken fragments, thinking that they were broken like the broken dreams of our Mother Lover Earth, and suddenly I realized something: the plants need to be protected, too.

Just imagine everything plants have done for you in your life. Ever walk across your lawn and wonder why your feet don't get eaten by worms who are just trying to do their freaking jobs by eating soil, only they accidentally eat your foot, probably because they thought you were dead, because once me and Jimbo saw a dead guy buried in the woods and worms were eating him, and I said, "Jimbo, am I high, or is that a dead guy?" and he said, "Both," which was seriously one of the funniest things I've ever heard? Grass protects you, exactly. Well, unless you wear shoes, which is so wrong I don't even know where to start, unless your shoes are made of money or something, which I guess would be cool because you'd be sticking it to the man in a way.

Or how about this: you're walking along on a hot summer day, thinking that as much as you appreciate the sun that is part of the glory of the ecosystem, you'd wish it would kindly do its beautiful thing some other fucking place, when a cloud moves in front of the sun, giving you some relief that Vegan water (it's basically rain with blue food coloring added so that you can't see all the harmful chemicals in it from man's pollution) just can't provide. Where did that cloud come from, you might wonder, perhaps getting angry for a second because it might have come from that wind power farm across the road that pollutes the landscape and the air with its man-made pollution. But don't get your Karmaic Forces going too much, Brother Earthing, because for once, it's a good kind of cloud: a cloud made by a plant. Yup, they give these helpful clouds off to help shield us from the sun's loving rays. And we want to offer our thanks by eating them? Not the clouds, the plants, although eating the clouds might give some kind of good high that I might want to try. Is there some kind of environmentally-safe plane that I could fly up there -- like one that's powered by me pedaling really fast and maybe rowing some kind of air paddles -- to try and pack a little into the old Peacemaker? Get back to me.

But listen, man, this isn't about the Peacemaker, or how much guilt-tripping I'll have to do to get you to take me up on that plane of yours for free, since money is for tree-eating materialists like you. It's about the horrible continuous murdering of our friends in the ground (no, that dead guy from before wasn't my friend). Lettuce. Carrots. Crab grass. These are living creatures, as much as it bothers your conformist ideals to admit it. In fact, if man's pollution wasn't killing everything, they probably would have mouths to cry out whenever we picked them for our own selfish desires of staying alive. "You humans," they'd say, shaking their stalks in a way that would make you realize they were much wiser than all of us, like that one friendly mushroom who gave me a lecture on the basic physical properties of carbon-based lifeforms after I ate his brothers and sisters. "You have a lot to learn." And they'd be right, my Brooths. They'd be exactly right.

Listen, I'm not here to cramp anyone's style or tell anyone what to do with their own beautiful, individual life. I'm just saying that nobody should eat plants anymore. I know that personally, from now on, my diet will consist mostly of things that can be smoked, because as far as I know the plants don't mind being smoked, since they get to stay alive, just in a different form. In fact, I'd sure like someone to smoke me. Jimbo should try that sometime.

Harold Hippie is a Steward Of The Earth living in California. He respects everyone, but thinks stereotypes are stupid.

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