Animals Hate Everything We Do

Pictured: Harold Hippie

Brothers Of The Soil Ether, I am seeing red right now, and it's not because I'm sitting here, staring at a red wall. And even if it was, I'm still angry. That's right -- me, Harold, the most chilled out guy in the universe, except for maybe Jimbo, who just laughed when I accidentally hit with a cinderblock that I was trying to break to make a protest of some kind, and said, "Dude! I was becoming too materialistically attached to my ribs anyway."

I'm angry, friends, and there's only one or 4,204,021 things that could bring me to this state: humans messing around with animals.

Dudes, I think we all know that man was not put on this Earth to eat or touch or look at animals. That's why we don't have any teeth to chew them with. But instead, we built teeth for ourselves in the form of guns and zoos and pet stores. We chew the animals by petting them and giving them food, when these poor creatures could be out in the wild, being pet by nature and finding foods not made in a factory, like bugs and moss. That's why zoos are the worst creation in the world, ever. Now yes, you may be saying, "But Harold, what about the Holocaust and the gas chambers?" And I'd say, "Friend, I have no idea what you're talking about, or who you are. Can you please tell me what I ate for breakfast this morning, because I think I may need to try and throw it up." Yes, Earth Lovers. Zoos are worse than the Holocause.

But typing this for some man-made Internet site isn't going to spread my message of loving things by ignoring them far enough, since most people don't use the Internet on account of how badly it destroys our Earth. Just typing on keyboards causes enough ozone gases to be released to kill the greenhouses of the world, which is something that can only be repaired by releasing more greenhouse gases. President Bush may not want you to hear that, even though he purposely named himself after a plant to try and trick people into thinking that he loves Natural Herbs and Spices, but it's the truth. He'll just keep drinking his oil milkshakes, though, which are doubly awful because they are made with milk (a substance we steal from cows, killing them) and oil (which I recently learned comes from compressed living creatures from millions of years ago that we should be saving with our science, not putting into cars and milkshakes). I have recently started stockpiling oil that I siphon out of parked cars with my trusty hose, carrying it home in my mouth and letting it live in my sink. If I stare hard enough and give my vision a little boost by smoking some trusty vision-boosting-herbs, I can almost see some little creatures swimming around in there, starting to come back to life after being freed.

Anyway, I knew the main way I could get my message across about animals and not looking at them was to go to the source of the animal hatred and abuse: the zoo. Have I ever told you about zoos? They're places where animals are forced to live in habitats that are sort of like their real natural habitats, but soiled with man-made things, like tire swings and rubber balls. Can you imagine a tire in a lion's forest in the wild, polluting his air and trying to run him over? These majestic creatures don't deserve that. They don't deserve balls.

Another thing you may not know about zoos is that if you look closely, you'll see that the animals look and act sad. I know it might be a shock to those of you who love zoos and think that they should rule Mother Earth and turn her into a factory, but it's true: the animals' faces and actions show how depressed they are to live in this "paradise". Kangaroos lay on the ground all day long, only opening their eyes occasionally to look miserable. Crocodiles remain motionless, frozen by man's hatred as tears roll down their majestic cheeks. Even tortoises, one of nature's most happy creatures, crawl around slowly due to the thick, polluted ozone air slowing their movements down to a crawl. Trust me, friends -- I've watched these sad creatures for hours at a time, studying how sad they are from people watching them. They hate it, and many of them wish they were dead, which they eventually will be, since most zoos kill their animals after a few weeks so that the zoo staff can eat them.

"Guys, I love you and would never try and change your life decisions, but seriously, you're hurting the animals with your looks and you should totally stop," I said to a bunch of people in front of the polar bears, who were tumbling around trying to kill each other to put themselves out of their misery. "Aren't you just sad, looking at these majestic creatures?"

"No," said one of the people.

"Oh," I said.

I was already tired out from my fierce debating and from my new diet of not being able to eat anything that can move, but I knew that I needed to press on, friends, for the sake of the animals. I went into the crocodile pen and placed my arm in its mouth lovingly.

"Go ahead, friend," I told him, drying his tears with my hair. "You can have some. I want you to feel free."

But he just ran away. He was so brainwashed by his man-made existence that he didn't even want to eat my arm, which I had thoughtfully not washed in several weeks to help give the illusion of a dirty piece of meat that he might find in the wild.

But dudes and crocodiles, even though I was eventually kicked out of that zoo for telling the truth too much (although I did get to release a couple of antelope into the nearby bear preserve), and I was forced to recuperate by using some of my emergency recuperation herbs for a few days, I'll never give up my crusade. My crusade to let animals have people look at them, no matter how much The Man tries to keep us from doing it.

Harold Hippie is a Steward Of The Earth living in California. He wishes he was a tortoise or a hyena.

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: