I Would Use Deodorant If It Didn't Kill Animals Or Deplete The Ozone

Pictured: Harold Hippie

Dear People of Green Things, I wish I was here to simply spread love and make you all feel Earthly Vibrations. Sadly, I have something else I need to get off my chest, and although it's not really on my chest, I'm so upset that I'm using that particular figure of speech.

Friends, there is an unseen danger that no one knows about. There are evil things happening right in front of us that can't be detected on any radar screen, that can't be detected by any scientific instruments, and that have no supporting proof whatsoever. Those things are called "deodorant" and "soap", and they are going to destroy everything you once loved.

That's right, my dudes: as if it's not bad enough that millions of species are dying every second as a result of people using their cars, lawn mowers, microwaves, toaster ovens, electric tooth brushes, post-it notes and anything else that comes from a store (unless it comes from Don's Bongs and Patchwork Pants Shop, which is the only kind of store that the government should allow to exist), now we're polluting our rivers and streams with evil chemicals meant to make us smell unnatural. And if we don't stop, all we're going to leave behind is one sweet smelling corpse...the corpse of Planet Earth.

I think of the time that my roommate Jimbo was thinking about taking a shower before going on this dinner date with a girl -- something that would have killed thousands of pieces of lettuce and sprouts, not to mention the damage done to the water and lakes and rivers as the corporate-agenda-driven hygiene products flowed down the drain like water. I could tell by that guilty look in his eyes that he was going to use that bar of innocent animal fat to scrub away the wonderfully natural smell of grime, which is a gift from Repugnia, Goddess of Body Odor.

"Can a horse take a bath?" I asked. Jimbo looked a little confused by this question, as if what horses think wasn't important. I have to confess, Brothers In Odiousness, I did lose my cool for a second, thinking about hitting him over the head with my biggest Buddha statue to incapacitate him and save him from making any environmentally-destructive decisions. Luckily, the helpful animals in my brain saved me from acting barbaric, and made me realize that Jimbo hadn't smoked any drugs since breakfast, and being too sober can often impair your otherwise Earth-friendly judgment. I figured that reasoning with him would be best.

"Think of what would happen to the world's ecosystems if animals stopped doing the natural things they do like grazing peacefully in sunny pastures, living in total harmony with each other, never killing anything, loving everything, and silently protesting the Bush administration by refusing to go extinct," I patiently explained to my grass buddy. "What if they all started taking showers instead?"

I'm not convinced that Jimbo fully understood. Even though he promised only to use water and no soap, he left the house suspiciously free of the natural aromas that make us beautiful. I'm sure his date disapproved as much as I did. I would have cut off water to the house before Jimbo could take his immoral shower, but I remembered that I would need some water to make mushroom tea later in the night, for when Family Guy came on the TV at this environmentally unsafe electronics store that I protest at sometimes.

Here's what people like Jimbo don't get: personal hygiene and cleanliness are killing everything, one bath at a time. It's not even natural. Think about it: if not showering is good enough for Bears and Zebras, then it's good enough for humans. Smelling good takes us out of our natural environment. It's bad enough we have to live in houses made out of unnatural wood and minerals. Why are we adding to the problem by washing ourselves in chemical baths?

Now, at this point you might say, "All right, Harold. I dig what you're saying, and from now on, I'll only use cologne that is my sweat collected over a series of days and put into a spray bottle. But enough about my selfish man-thoughts: how specifically does soap, deodorant, shampoo, conditioner, body wash, perfume and anything else that cleans ruin Mother Earthress (a.k.a., the environment)?" The answer is that we'll never know exactly, because the government has hidden that information. It's a gigantic conspiracy between George Bush, Calvin Klein and Bill Gates, and everyone is being set up to deplete the Earth of its ozone, its ice caps, and its animals, all just so that some of us can smell good on Saturday night. If there were a button in front of you that would destroy the world with one little push, would you do it? I didn't think so. Well, I'm here to say that you are pounding that button with every swipe of evil Old Spice. Get this: Old Spice is not made of old spices at all. Don't come back for the last paragraph until your mind is recovered from that.

Even with scientists covering this and perpetual motion machines that don't need to use any fossil fuels up, there is one big piece of proof I've uncovered, and here it is: cleaning products kill dirt, and dirt is good. Since when did dirt give anyone a rash or deplete the ozone? Those are both things that deodorant does and is doing right now, and everything will die soon unless we invent some kind of deodorant that actually replenishes the ozone. I even heard that the Native Americans (or "Indians", as some of the evil old people of our nation call them) had the formula necessary for ozone-rejuvenating products, but it was destroyed by U.S. soldiers at the Battle of Little Big Man. Indians, forgive my fellow white devils and save us. You are our only hope.

Harold Hippie is a Steward Of The Earth living in California. His smell is considered a threat to the planet's fragile ecosystem.

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