Let's Put Guns Back In Our Nation's Schools

Pictured: Randall Moore

I turned on the evening news last night by firing my gun into the television’s power button, my friends, and it was there that I saw something that very much concerned me: there is a disturbing trend of schools in our nation having to put up metal detectors and security guards in order to stop our children from bringing their beloved firearms into the classroom. Well, for any liberals out there who might like the idea of gunless children in America, I have a few things to say to you, so listen up:

First off, yes, it is true that there is a theory floating around the internet that some school shootings may have been indirectly related to guns being shot at people. But for anyone who wants to blame the fact that these children had guns, I ask you: have you ever heard of a little thing called “the media”? That’s right: Marilyn Manson, violent videogames, and bloody movies not featuring guns portrayed in an honorable, positive, educational light are to blame for your Colombine massacres, not firearms. Heck, if I listened to an album of Manson telling me to go into my school and kill my classmates and drink the devil’s blood, then played some videogames where the object was to take over my school and shoot my peers, and then watched a movie called “How To Storm Your School And Kill Everyone In It And Blame It All On Guns”, well, I might be inclined to get up to a little mischief myself. And let’s not forget that the kids were wearing black trenchcoats, which should’ve been a sign that they were up to no good the second they stepped out of the house. Hey, you Washington fatcat liberals: enough of these gun control laws, let’s see some banning violent black trenchcoats!

Second of all, I don’t see how anybody can expect our children to survive in today’s tough, violent schoolyards without any firearms to hide behind. How would you like it if your son or daughter was innocently walking down the hall when a mean old bully with a knife came and slit his or her throat? Or picture your son coming home one day and telling you that he had turned into a queer homosexual faggot, because of hippie liberal queers in his school brainwashing him and grabbing his ass? My friends, it happens all the time, and it only happens to children who are too unfortunate to be able to turn around and say, “Hey. Stop that. I’m going to shoot you now.”

Now, I know this next point will only be remembered by some of you older readers, but for the rest of you, trust me: there was a time when guns were a welcome part of our nation’s schools. Professors would lightheartedly use them in class for experiments where a high-speed projectile was needed, or to get the attention of some rascals who wouldn’t quiet down. If those kids just wouldn’t listen, even after being caned with the ruler, why, a little run-in with a standard-issue teaching revolver taught them a lesson real nice and quick. And what do you think we did at recess? Play little queer-fairy games like hopscotch or slide on the slide? No sir. We danced around and shot our guns at each other until that final bell rang, and then we shot at the bell and played some more. Sure, some kids got a scraped knee or a little chunk taken out of them sometimes, but it was all in good fun. Those were simpler, better times. Now, our children need to put down their guns before entering school. Now, they have no gun fights at recess. I ask you, my friends: would our forefathers have allowed this kind of nonsense?

Maybe I’m just a little old-fashioned, or maybe it’s the fumes in my brain from a recent 14-hour polishing session I had with a few of my rifles, but I say if our kids want to bring their guns into school sometimes, by God, that’s their American right. I just hope that our nation can realize that before too many children are brought up to learn that guns are dangerous.

Randall Moore is a leader in the Love For Guns movement. He is currently leading the charge to develop a "Guns For Tots" program in his community.

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