Letters: September 17, 2006
If you don't have a whole lot of time to read all of the letters this week, let me give you the highlight: a communique by a reader with the name of Jesus KKKhrist. Folks, does it get any better? PS: The real highlight is ORIGINAL DORITOS!
We are Yahoo.
This movie was so bad, it summoned me from the dead! Back in my day, the standards of witchcraft membership were a lot more stringent. What passes for the occult these days is like the Supernatural Special Olympics. This movie sucked and it made less than $10 million, even at number 1, renewing my confidence in the intelligence of today's movie goer. Personally, I was an idiot even wasting time giving this flick a chance. And anyone who thinks this piece of ghost shit is in anyway related to Wicca is too big a retard to BE a Wiccan! Even a pseudo-wiccan.
You know what an pseudo-wiccan is? A Goth too poor to make a fashion statement. As for anyone who would use the argument "lets see u act and direct ur own movie before u write crap about a movie", how about you get a fucking education first and then write/diirect your own movie before you try and convince otherwise intelligent people that you have a clue about what's good and what's schlock? If you don't know what schlock is, then either look it up or use your mysterious wiccan powers to ask a disembodied spirit. On second though, any numbnuts who actually thought this was accurate probably has retarded spirt guides anyway.
Don't make me come up there! - Aleister Crowley
Josh: Easy there, fella. Why not get mad about something a little more worthwhile, like the Pope quoting something about Islam.
HUGE ORIGINAL DORITOS BREAKTHROUGH!
Concerning the Original Doritos Saga (http://www.enduringvision.com/archives/doritos/index.htm): I just called Frito-Lay and spoke to Betsy (a customer service rep) and specifically asked "When the very first shipment of Doritos hit the shelves back in 1966, did they have a flavor, or were they just plain salted corn chips?" She looked it up on her insider-computer-of-chip-truth, I guess, and gave me the definitive answer we've all been craving: THEY WERE JUST PLAIN SALTED CORN CHIPS. Taco did not hit the shelves at all until '67, and no cheese until even later.
I hope this truly lays the debate to rest----I've been checking back on this for 2 years now, and finally just got on the phone and risked sounding like a lunatic. They were very nice at Frito-Lay, though.
Fin! - Anna Fugazzi
Josh: Anna, you deserve a medal, or at the very least some sort of bronzed Dorito. Although some skeptics and cynics will undoubtedly try to argue that the company line isn't always the absolute truth, in this case I'll gladly take it. I think we can declare this solved: original Doritos were indeed salted corn chips, with no Taco flavor in sight. Thank you!
The headline "Man Remembers Where Twin Towers Were When He Was Attacked" made me laugh (out loud, for more than two seconds). At first I thought it was the barley-wine, but fifteen seconds later my voice of reason phoned it and confirmed that it was, indeed, funny. Unfortunately, everything after the first three paragraphs was not funny. Not even with weed.
Also "Jesus Helps Woman Buy Car" was great. Reminded me of that Saturday Night Live sketch with the line 'Jesus, please keep the rice from sticking to the pot.' However, I find it funny more because it claims that an omniscient, omnipotent God would make the effort to intervene in one isolated event when, in fact, he has ordained every act, though employing natural means to attain them.
And then the other extreme: that since God has ordained everything, then even the bad stuff is good.
So I appreciate your use of satire to point out the razor's age one walks when they profess belief in a God who is both omnipotent and good. It is certainly tempting, in view of such a conundrum, to throw up your hands and walk away. While I won't go so far as to prescribe a pat solution for every one (things like this take a lot of soul-searching), I will say that the answer isn't quite as elusive as the question seems.
I say this just because satire is quite good at pointing out problems; not so good at proposing solutions. - JZ Burdge
Josh: Regarding "Man Remembers": glad you liked the headline. Going by our traffic logs, that's all most people read, anyway!
Regarding "Jesus Helps": as that story's author, I don't know how much credit I can take for the idea; it was taken from a real-life aunt, who explained to my family in detail a few weeks ago how an email credit card offer she had gotten clearly meant that Jesus wanted her to buy something.
Now, back to the GOOD letters!
I did not help no bitch with car - Jesus KKKhrist
Josh: Hey, is this the real Jesus? I mean, I would think so, but something doesn't seem quite right...
Sadly, not real, but funny all the same.
Your article "Star Wars Writer is Actually Satan" is clearly a poke at our website toolofsatan.org which has been on the web since 1997. We certainly don't appreciate the slander from your author, nor the misrepresentation of our serious movement. We hope that your dear readers will go to our website and read a raqtional argument on why, if they worship the Force, they will be Forced to Burn in Hell. Please- don;t worship false idols- for your souls' sake! - Mortimer Fontaine
Josh: Perhaps I'm not as internet-savvy as I like to pretend to be, but that's the first time I've heard of your site, Mortimer. I can certainly appreciate the message you're trying to spread, though; contrary to what you thought, my article was after the souls of the righteous, too!
Now, back to the GOOD letters, PT II!
stupid fuckers Jesus is fake! - Ant
Josh: Using our super-awesome knowledge of IP addresses, we know that this letter is simply letter number two from our friend Jesus KKKhrist up there, meaning that he just called himself fake! OH SNAP.
A prestigious letter.
% - Bush
Josh: Somehow, we always knew the letter to the EV from our President would look something like this.
Yes, I see.
VC NAO PRESTA NAO OBRIGADO - valterlei
Josh: I took this to an online translator and assumed it was Spanish, but all I got in return was that "presta" means "lends". Sorry, valterlei, but I'm not letting you borrow anything until I know your terms.