'Child Molester' Most Popular Costume Of Halloween 2005
Where goblins, ghouls, Spider Man and Han Solo used to rein over the Halloween celebration, stores are reporting an exceptionally high number of the sales of child molester outfits as a counter to the usual fare. Costume and department stores alike are all reporting an increase in the sale of plaid shirts, thick-soled black shoes and soiled marble-washed blue jeans as customers rush to get in on the latest trend in Halloween fashion.
"We've never seen stocking caps and chloroform sales this high in the pre-Christmas season," said Bloomingdale's clerk Donna Bradshaw. "Usually our costume section is decimated by the 31st, but now it's our work clothes and twine sections that are really out of stock."
Now that Peter Pederast has taken over where Peter Pan was once king, the costume industry has shifted its focus from masks of box-office and comic book icons to production of more outfits with a homespun, van-with-black-tinted-windows feel.
"Any John can walk into his closet and come up with a pair of dark sunglasses, an unwashed shirt and bear an uncanny resemblance to a character from 'Rescue 911'," said Duke Rosenthal, president of Starship Voyage Costumes and Miscellany Inc., "so it's been a struggle to come up with something that we can make that they don't already sell for change at the Salvation Army. It's been a hard trend to capitalize on this year, but with our new designer line of fake apples with plastic razor blades inside, and Snickers Bars with an imitation date-rape-drug filling, we've managed to establish our own particular sensation."
Parents across the nation are expressing their enthusiasm for the trend. Citing high prices on all Lucas film-endorsed products, a paucity of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle outfits (especially Donatello, reports indicate) and a fear of the strange old man who hangs out in front of the local WalMart and offers candy to the kids, Mom and Dad are thrilled to revert to a more homemade outfit for Dad and kids.
"I was going to have to come up with a Batman costume, and since they sold out at Target, I'd have had to synthesize my own foam-rubber body armor and parachute-quality cape," said psychologist William Maplewood. "Fortunately, when Joe down the street told me about his idea to take his kids trick-or-treating dressed as a registered sex-offender, I thought that I could do the same thing, only better."
Maplewood explained that he would tell his kids to feign sleeping while he took them house to house, and when asked by the occupant, "What are you?" he would reply, "I'm Chester the Molester and these kids just ate some candy that I laced with Roofies. Trick or Treat!"
Law enforcement has been struggling to find ways to deal with the latest fashion without arresting every man paying a little too much attention to little children, yet maintaining safety from the real Mr. Molester.
"Even though it might just be Mr. Jones down the street playing his roll and scaring the neighborhood kids by jumping out from behind a tree with gag ball and electrical tape, we still have to be mindful that there are some truly sick people out there," said Sheriff Jeff Roberts of Lucas County, Ohio. "We encourage all children not to follow any strangers into vans, basements, or empty houses, no matter how much they claim to be best friends with your parents, unless another adult is present who can verify that all candy is drug-free and that the culprit really does only want to show them pictures of his little boys in Arkansas."