God Begins Work On 'The Bible II: Lost In New York'
The Christian deity known chiefly as God announced today that He has begun work on the sequel to what many call the most popular book of all time, the Bible, a part fictional, part autobiographical narrative of the antics of God and his supporting cast of crazy, wacky characters.
In a press conference, God -- or the Almighty, as He is sometimes referred to -- said that He was inspired to begin the long-awaited sequel after witnessing Hollywood's sequel-intensive lineup for this summer.
"Legally Blonde 2, Terminator 3, American Wedding, The Matrix Reloaded -- all of these are wonderful continuations of awesome movies," God explained. "Not to mention all of the hoopla around the next 'Harry Potter' book, which by the way is totally worth it. Being all-knowing, I had an idea of what character was going to die before I got to that part, but it was still a complete shocker!"
"Anyway," He continued, "these sequels got me to thinking that maybe it was high time for me to do a sequel of my own, and the idea for the Bible II was born."
Though details on the book are still scarce, God did let a few slip out during the press conference.
"The first Bible was a lot of setting-up, like all of those parts with Jesus [God's son and one of the main characters of the novels] talking about all kinds of stuff," He said. "Now, I like the first Bible and all, but I have to admit that even with some of the cool fictional embellishments I added, like that huge flood over all of the world, it's kind of boring after a while."
In light of this perceived dullness, God plans on making the Bible's sequel much more fictional, thus allowing Him to implement "tons more cool things".
"The title comes from the opening scene, where Jesus wakes up to find himself somewhere in New York, his hometown," God revealed. "Even though he lives there, though, he isn't sure where he is, nor can he remember where he was the night before."
As it turns out, Jesus is actually a powerful wizard, and needs to find his way to a special school hidden deep within New York to help him develop his spells and powers. Along the way, however, he'll have to dodge his angry step-parents, evil teachers, and other perils with the help of his wacky friend "Donald Feasly".
"Wait till you see old Don," God said, chuckling. "He's always getting into these bad situations with Jesus, and he'll be like, 'Uh oh!' or 'Can we panic now?' Oh-ho!"
God also plans on adding many more "action-packed" scenes than in the first Bible, such as the portion of the book where Jesus meets a futuristic cyborg who traveled back in time to help him get to the school, which will "save mankind in the future, but doom them if it doesn't happen, so that's why the cyborg got sent back, in order to make sure that they can't be doomed," He told us.
"It's all pretty complicated," God confessed, "but you'll forget all of that when you see how bad-ass the cyborg is. He's like, 'Jesus O'Connor, I have come back for you,' and Jesus is like, 'Whoa, man! Hasta la vista!' And then all of these lasers are like, 'Vzzzzoo!'"
God then spent the next several minutes attempting to duplicate the noises of the lasers.
But though the book may sound like it caters more towards fans of action and fantasy, God assured the press that there would be plenty of humour included, as well.
"There's this one part where Stifler, one of Jesus' crazy friends, is trying to have sex with this one lady that they all know," God said, suppressing giggles, "and then somebody ends up sticking his finger in a pie! An apple pie!"
Sales expectations for the novel are already setting record highs, with Simon and Schuster, God's publisher, preparing an unprecedented 500 million copies for a first printing. But God denies any interest in sales or money.
"I'm just happy to be back in the world of Jesus and his friends," He said contentedly. "It's nice to slip into a fantasy world of wonder and magic every now and then when I get tired of watching how much of a fuck-up this world I created is becoming."