God's New Stuff Sucks, Says Pat Robertson
After the recent Supreme Court decision that decriminalized sodomy, Christian Broadcasting Network leader Pat Robertson reportedly became "very irate", according to sources, because the decision shook his faith in the Lord's ability to "put out new stuff that's as good as his old stuff."
Robertson's irritation was evidenced this past Monday, when he launched into a fit of religious fervency (referred to as "Operation Supreme Court Freedom") that began with a 21-day prayer offensive against the justices voting contrary to the Lord Our God's One True Word.
He began by reminiscing about the "old days", back before the Lord became "all mainstream" and when he used to do it "for the fans".
"What happened, man?" Robertson asked rhetorically. "Things like locust showers and eternal fire for all who disagreed with speakers of His word. That's when You were so badass, Lord! What the hell happened? Man, it's not even worth it now."
"Now," he continued, "It's all mercy and love and shit. Who has time for love when you can hate entire groups of people for the lives they chose to lead! Not me, for fuck's sake!"
Robertson claims that since he is a "true, hardcore fan" of God's, he will stick with him always, no matter what He chooses to do with His art. But Robertson also cautioned that many will likely not stay as faithful as he is planning to.
"People need fire and brimstone for Fag lovers!" he shouted, a fist in the air and a Bible in his other hand. "That shit is old-school! God might be attracted some new hippie fans with his James Taylor-like laid-back attitude, but for his true followers -- I'm talking about the ones that were there practically from the beginning like me -- this new shit is just a kick in the face.
The preacher further claimed that he and other fans of God "don't even deserve this crap."
"This is how we're rewarded with our years of loyal fan service?" he asked incredulously."Fuck that! God used to be cool. And anyone that has a different opinions needs to be shot directly in the face with some kick-ass lightning! No thoughts must be allowed to exist that run contrary to the One Word of Christ!"
Robertson then fell back into his couch on the set of the 700 Club, exhausted from screaming at the makeup crew.
"God damnit!" he sighed. "The Man needs to do some serious asskicking, post haste."
Pat Robertson continues his Operation Supreme Court Freedom offense today with a sermon entitled "Why God Fucking Hates You, Specifically."