Concerned Alabama County Protests Against 'Dangerous Punk Rocker' Avril Lavigne
Singer Avril Lavigne and the rest of her band are in the midst of their "mall tour", a U.S. tour that winds through various malls all across the country in support of Lavigne's new album, "Under My Skin". But although the first single from the album, entitled "Don't Tell Me", is wildly popular, some citizens of Greenwood County, Alabama don't share the enthusiasm.
"Keep the heathen out!" chanted one woman at a recent protest demonstration. "Keep Satan away!"
Who do the citizens want kept out? Lavigne, of course -- many Greenwood County residents have been staging protests to ensure that the "rebellious punking-rocker" does not come to the Big Mill Antique Mall, which is close to the county.
Sally Sue, one of the leaders of the Anti-Demon (Lavigne) movement and also owner of Sally Sue's General Store, says that she and many others have a "serious problem" with Lavigne's "troublesome music and antics".
"I heard on the news that she is what's known as a 'punk musician'," Sue said with disgust. "I can just imagine her strange-colored hair and lyrics about eating Satan's babies. That kind of liberal stuff might fly in New York City, but not here."
Although Lavigne's songs to date do not contain any lines concerning the consumption of the devil's offspring, some maintain that what they really are about is just as bad.
"I heard one of her songs say something like, 'Why'd you have to make things so complicated?'" recalled Jo Jack Jeb, owner of Jeb's Tavern And Gunshop. "What the hell is so complicated about living in this country? Sounds pretty anti-American to me."
Others take issue with Lavigne's appearance, which has been characterized in various manners ranging from "Bride of Satan" to "demonic offspring from Hell" to "Britney Spears".
"Look at her eyes!" shouted one mother of two who refused to be identified for fear that her name would be tracked on the Internet by Lavigne. "Look at the eye makeup! She wants to rape my boys!"
Although the citizens have not yet reached any firm conclusions about how to stop a possible appearance by Lavigne, they have faithfully met once a week for the past month to discuss their various problems with her.
"I just can't believe how bad things are today," said Jeb at the most recent meeting, shaking his head sadly. "You have Janet Jackson showing her female parts on television, and now the worst punk rocker since Elton John wants to show her head in our town! It's end of days!"
"I heard she participates in satanic rituals with her satanic goth-rock friends Good Charlotte!" added Sue, causing momentary panic in the meeting, as the "terror" of Good Charlotte is even more feared than Lavigne.
Local farmer Sam Smith even asserted that Lavigne was worse than "that Queer Eye show", although that sidetracked the meeting into a 15-minute discussion over whether or not he was a homosexual sympathizer, a liberal, an actual homosexual, or some combination of all three.
The residents' concerns are not even alleviated by the fact that Lavigne currently has no plans to take her tour to the Big Mill Antique Mall, according to her published venue schedule.
"It's a trick!" one woman yelled. "She'll show up here when we least expect it, ready to subvert our minds with her band's furious drum beats and electronic guitars!"
When questioned as to whether or not there were more potentially offensive performers out there than Lavigne, such as Marilyn Manson, most of the residents said no -- Lavigne is the worst.
"I've never heard of this Mason character, but she can't be worse than Avril," said one man with a shudder.
He was then shown a picture of Manson, which promptly caused him to declare his undying love for Satan as he ran off to suck the blood of his neighbors, which would presumably turn them into devil-worshippers as well.
Lavigne was reached for comment on the matter, but seemed to make unrelated statements.
"Boys are stupid, but also cool!" she yelled. "Don't be a poser! Don't wear clothes that match, only carefully-mismatched ones!"