'Fahrenheit 9/11' To Release; Bush Excitedly Prepares For 'Movie Star Life'
Filmmaker Michael Moore is set to unleash his latest documentary, Fahrenheit 9/11, on America on Friday, June 25th. The film is reportedly a scathing indictment of the Bush administration for failing to do everything possible to protect the nation from the events of September 11th, 2001, as well as examining the ties between the Bush family and some terrorist factions of Saudi Arabia and other Middle Eastern regions.
But although the film could by all means be classified as anti-Bush, President George W. Bush himself describes himself as, somewhat bizarrely, "very excited" at the film's impending release.
"This is my first movie premiere, so you bet your goat I'm excited about it," Bush told curious members of the press in an interview yesterday. "I see this as opening big doors for me."
Bush further explained that, contrary to his initial beliefs when entering the White House, he can not remain President forever, and therefore must prepare for the inevitable day when he is no longer the leader of the free world.
"A lot of you may not know this, but if John What's-His-Face-Carry [sic] somehow gets more votes than me this November, I'll have to leave the White House," Bush revealed. "And even if he doesn't, I only get, like, six more years, and then I have to leave no matter how many more people vote for me! I know it's not fair, and I know it's backwards, but boys, that's just how it is. That's why I need to make a plan for putting bread on the table after I'm let go."
Bush's "bread plan"? Hollywood. And according to the President, he's a "natural fit" for the business of movie stardom.
"First of all, I'm practically exactly like [former President Ronald] Reagan in every way, and he did movies," Bush said. "Second of all, my first film seems to be getting a lot of 'buzz', as we say in the business. I'm about to be a hot property!"
The President also claimed that being a star is a lot less work than many people believe; in fact, he says, he has no recollection of even filming Fahrenheit 9/11.
"Nobody called me to be on the set, nobody called me to tell me that they were my agent and that we needed to negotiate a deal, and nobody gave me the invisible mask that all movie stars wear so that prolonged exposure to the camera doesn't steal their souls," he said. "In fact, I don't even remember a movie camera being used around me, and I don't remember anybody saying 'action', unless it was me, and it was preceded by the words, 'Laura are you ready for some'."
"Therefore," he said, "I have to conclude that either I was too wasted to remember filming the movie, or that being in movies is actually much, much easier than anyone says."
Despite not remembering acting in the movie, Bush says he is reasonably sure he performed well, and that an award for his performance is not out of the question.
"I've seen the previews on the television for the film, and I have to say, I was about as good as all the other good actors, like Vin Diesel and Steven Segal," Bush said confidently. "Did you see the way I swung that golf club? It was almost like I was actually playing a game of golf in real life! I know some of it was probably special computer effects, but still!"
The President said he would like to do "any role" a movie required him to do, but that he would especially like a speaking part in an animated film.
"I could be one of them fishies in Finding Nemo," he said, despite the fact that Finding Nemo has already been finished for over a year and thus would not need any additional voicework. "Like, a party-loving one. 'Hey dudes!' I'd say. 'Let's do some blow!'"
When asked what he thought of Michael Moore, the director of Fahrenheit 9/11, Bush's mood turned sour.
"I hate that fat sack of crap," he said bitterly. "Always sticking his fat fatty head into other people's fat business. What does he have to do with this, anyway?"