Local Man Claims Being 'Totally Not Into' Porn, Concerns Friends

According to numerous personal statements as well as observational evidence cited from friends, Greg Marmalard, a graduate student at DePaul University, is "totally not into" pornography of any kind, a fact that troubles many close to him.

"No, I'm totally not into porn, never have been," said Marmalard after being asked if he wanted to go to the Crazy Horse Gentlemen's Club on Saturday night.

"I was a little weirded out by that," said friend and fellow grad student Mike Richards. "I didn't say anything, because I could tell that he was uncomfortable, but it's not like the Crazy Horse is porn – it's just a lot of nice looking tits in your face. There must be some demons in that boy's life."

Scratching his chin, he added, "Gay demons, even."

College friend Jim Janowski is equally concerned.

"There was a party at my place -- Greg was there, and a bunch of other guys -- and we were drinking a shitload," said college friend Jim Janowski. "So the [Chicago Bears] game is over, and you've got a bunch of guys sitting around, plenty of beer left to drink, so what do you think we do? Put in a hardcore porn!" Janowski then laughed and thrust his pelvis back and forth and grimaced before continuing. "So everyone's saying shit like, ‘Damn, she's into it,' or ‘My girlfriend did that to me once,' but Greg's just sitting off in the corner reading a magazine. It wasn't even a Maxim!"

Janowski then addressed a pretend Marmalard and asked, "What's the matter, Greg? Afraid you'll pop a boner?"

In addition to the "Greg is gay, and therefore would not be interested in heterosexual pornography" theory, friends have also postulated that Marmalard is actually a pornography enthusiast, but prefers to pursue his hobby in private.

"The evidence [for this theory], so far, has been purely circumstantial," admitted former roommate Dan Day, 28, a patent lawyer. "Sure, it's true that his door would be mysteriously closed at 4:00 in the afternoon on a Wednesday, but he could, theoretically, be studying."

Janowski is less open-minded.

"Greg's either a closet porno fan, or he's got a hell of an imagination, because he sure doesn't have much first-hand experience to give him fuel for the fire, if you know what I mean," he said. "And he's a pretty unimaginative guy."

Others, like Richards, prefer to follow the gay train of thought.

"Greg was taking an unusually big interest in the [recent gay pride] parade in New York this past weekend," he mused. "He kept saying things like, 'That's great, that they can do that. This country's finally changing. I bet more and more seemingly-normal people are going to come out of the closet in the coming months, too.' Maybe that was some kind of hint."

And even Janowski admits that this scenario would work with his theory, too.

"I guess Greg being gay would explain why he'd want to look at his own pornography in private, and why he doesn't like to look at ours, which features women having sex," he admitted.

"That's...that's what those people are like, right?" he asked. "Or do they like both things? The men and the women?"

However, some of Marmalard's friends refuse to accept the homosexual possibility.

"No way, Greg can't be gay," said one friend vehemently, who asked not to be identified by name because he didn't want to appear in an article mentioning the word "gay". "That would mean that instead of just being my friend, he was actually hitting on me this whole time. Sick!"

"I touched his hand once by accident," reasoned another friend, "so he can't be gay. If he was, he would've instantly grabbed on to it and placed it on his penis."

As for Marmalard himself, he cited a reason for not being interested in pornography untouched upon by his friends.

"I don't really like to see women being degraded, which is how most pornography seems to turn out," he said. "I don't want to tell the guys that or anything, because they'll think I'm not normal or something, but it's just how I am."

Marmalard then winced as he heard Janowski, who was in the next room, shouting, "Greg! This chick's getting peed on! It's great!"

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