Lone Non-Hypocritical Conservative Barricades Both Gay Marriage Ceremony And Vegas Wedding Chapel
A conservative Baptist minister was arrested early today after he tried to stop several drunken couples from getting "quickie marriages" at the Little Garden of Love Chapel on the infamous Vegas strip in Las Vegas, Nevada.
"These rushed unions cheapen the sacrament of marriage, and I am not going to let 6000 years of God's law be trampled by these profit-minded frauds," said Rev. Elijah Moore as he was being led away by police.
"The only thing I don't understand is why all my colleagues who came with me to heckle gay couples getting 'married' in Massachusetts wouldn't stand up with me here now," he added.
True to Moore's words, supporters of the Bush Administration's "Defense of Marriage Act," aimed at stopping gay couples from legally tying the knot through a Constitutional Amendment, offered little support for Reverend.
"He did what?" asked an incredulous Rev. Bob Jones III, president of the ultra-conservative Bob Jones University. "I mean, if he was trying to bust up an interracial couple that would be fine, and of course we know that gays can't marry. But you're telling me he was stopping heterosexuals from getting their love recognized and sanctified by the holy words of an overweight Elvis impersonator? That, I cannot understand."
Jones then excused himself to add one more day to the "Days [brutally murdered homosexual] Matthew Sheppard has been burning in Hell" sign outside his office window.
Several conservative political leaders, all of whom have taken a tough stand against gay marriage for, among other reasons, ruining the sanctity of marriage, also criticized Moore's "wild attack" on frivolous heterosexual marriage.
"Look, this guy Moore has it all wrong," said former Senate Majority Leader and 1996 GOP presidential candidate Bob Dole. "When Bob Dole dumped his first wife who nursed Bob Dole's wounds from World War II, Bob Dole was defending the serious bond of marriage by re-marrying a woman half Bob Dole's age, not some guy trying to look like a woman with too much makeup and an affinity for show tunes."
"But, come to think of it, the way Libby looks these days, Bob Dole's not so sure," Dole added as he scarfed down another handful of Viagra.
Conservative moralist Bill Bennet weighed in on the arrest late last night.
"Not only was Moore's act wrongheaded, but the scene he caused screwed up traffic on the strip for hours. I actually had to walk over to the MGM Grand and by then there was no decent action at the $100 tables," he complained.
"Wait -- will my wife read that last part?" he wondered aloud. After considering a moment, dejection settled in on his face, and he added, "Ah, screw it. It's a loveless household anyway, God knows that much."
Even Britney Spears, a pop singer not traditionally known for speaking her political views (except to instruct her millions of fans to always follow the President unconditionally, no matter what), spoke out against Moore.
"I can't believe that here in America, a land of freedom where two people who love each other are supposed to be able to acknowledge that love in a ceremony, someone would try and question that love," she said in disgust. "Even if it is drunken love that only lasts for about an hour."
For his part, Moore, after hearing the incredibly negative backlash against him by his colleagues, grew apologetic, saying he acted brashly in the heat of the moment.
"I guess I just really got confused," he said dejectedly, attempting to squeeze in another marriage counseling session from yet another one of the hastily-married couples in his appointment book. "I guess when I heard 'defense of marriage', I though it meant something crazy, like 'defense of marriage'."