Heavy Rains Bring Bad Poetry, Stupid Blog Entries
The U.S. Northeast has been pummeled by day after day of strong downpours adding up to inches of rain, causing flooding and, some Southerners hope, the separation of the Northeast region from the rest of the continent.
But forecasters and emergency officials caution that the worst is not yet over, and that citizens should be on the lookout for pseudo-poets and angry teenagers with blogs, encouraged by the bad weather to express their pedantic feelings in "terrible, damaging ways".
"The Delaware River is going to crest tomorrow, but what's of paramount concern to us right now is the fact that many people still have Internet access, and could be subjected to stupid, crappy poetry or a blog entry that attempts to draw a tenuous, overwrought link between the rain and feelings," said emergency services coordinator John Dougherty in Pennsylvania. "We are recommending the complete evacuation of people from their homes to avoid this catastrophe."
In fact, citizens of the entire world could be affected by the flooding simply by reading the self-involved shit of flood victims or wish-to-be victims.
"Globalization and technology have turned a matter that would have been limited to one region of one country just 20 years ago into a worldwide crisis," Dougherty said grimly. "This is potentially more damaging than the avian flu by a factor of 178 million."
Officials are even in the process of dumping excess water into rivers like the Delaware and the Susquehanna in an effort to get the flooding up to homes and businesses as fast as possible, thereby discouraging Internet activity from those in flood zones.
"It's a real mess out here, but it's still not nearly bad enough to get the emo teenagers out of this community," shouted emergency worker Dan Thorpe outside of a small Pennsylvania town, thrusting bucket after bucket of water into the Delaware. "If we don't force these kids out by noon tomorrow, we're going to have a serious problem on our hands."
Already, a few deaths have been attributed to the storms; one New York man was killed after trying to pry his son away from the computer, where the young man was caught helpless in front of the blog of a former friend-turned-poetry murderer. Sadly, both were killed.
"Rains, flowing through the streets / the streets of my soul / I see the drops of water / And they are filled with skulls," read the first few lines of the offending poem. For safety purposes, the NYPD is recommending that the entire poem not be reprinted.
Several citizens have also been hospitalized with severe hives and temporary blindness, two common reactions to pretentious, hyperbolic blog entries, according to Dr. Steven Harvey at the Doylestown Hospital in Pennsylvania.
"A patient came in earlier with a particularly severe reaction. He told me he had seen a blog that began, 'I am reminded of the tragic, catastrophic, tragedy that occurred in N'Orleans, and I can now know exactly what my brothers in L'isiana went through,'" said Harvey with a shudder. "Frankly, I'm surprised the patient wasn't paralyzed."
Another victim, currently in intensive care, accidentally read a blog that attempted to draw parallels between the storm and the Democratic party.
For the hundreds of thousands of others who have been less severely injured by secondhand exposure to such blog entries and poems, medical professionals recommend a long period of rest, away from sources of possible idiocy.
"If you're not feeling well due to the effects of reading the thoughts of someone who has been given entirely too much self-esteem relative to their skills, you should take a few days off of work, off of the roads, and away from the Internet," said Dr. Harvey. "Read a good book, or, failing that, stare at your floor tiles or carpeting for a while."