Media Shocker: Cast Of 'Queer Eye' Entirely Gay
In a move that shocked the media world, the "Fab Five" of Bravo Channel's "Queer Eye For the Straight Guy" revealed astounding personal information in an Entertainment Weekly interview: they are all gay.
"A lot of sillies may not have known this, but guess what? I'm a super flamer!" laughed Carson Kressley, who is listed on the show's website as "Fashion Savant", stroking his sky blue vinyl blazer fondly.
The interviewer, clearly surprised, gasped and assumed the admission was a joke, but Kressley was insistent; unbeknownst to the producers of the acclaimed show -- which has been said to exalt the cleanliness of the homosexual people and condemns the lifestyles of heterosexual males with a "quirky blend" of health, fashion and "insane gayness" -- the stars led secret, homosexual lifestyles away from the lights and cameras.
"I just happened to stroll…past some gay nightclub near my home," said producer Julius Rosenwasser, "and I saw that blonde one sitting at the bar chatting up this guy. I almost let it go, but when I heard what he was saying I couldn't believe my ears. He said: 'Yeah, it's true. I'm a hot gay man.'"
Rosenwasser paused, and added, "Well he didn't use those words, but you get the point."
The news has generated a massive rift among housewives and within book clubs. Said Amanda Palmer, a New York City stay-at-home mother: "The gals at the [book] club were shocked. To think that they've gotten by [being gay] this long…is amazing. The sneaks."
"I don't have any problems with them," said Palmer's friend Judith Kurtz. "But why do they have to ruin such a good show?"
The Bravo Channel, which airs the show, boasts an impressive line-up of "homo-sploitation" reality programs, including "Who's the Biggest Whore -- Hawaii" and the smash-hit "So What If I Like Penis?" "Queer Eye" was originally intended to be a plastic surgery-themed show, but when the studio executives at the channel's Hollywood office met the so-called "Fab Five," "something just clicked."
"Here's these five guys," said important Hollywood leader Marvey Weinstein, "and we're thinking: surgery. We could have these guys do surgery. Then, bam, I'm looking at the silly one's glasses and I'm thinking: gay. It was brilliant."
Little did Weinstein know, however, that the "Fab Five" were just that: fabulous. The adjective "fabulous," which was originally patented by the homosexual community in the late 1980's, has become practically synonymous with the words "flamer," "bender," "poof," and "homosexual agenda."
"And so I was just trying to have a drink, you know," continued Rosenwasser, "and I was just casually talking to some guys about cars and sports. And I hear that blonde one whispering some very naughty things to the guy next to me. I decided to confront him, you know, about it. And he confessed and we made out. I mean, he just confessed."
Local man and non-homosexual Edward Russell, who became the focus of major media attention last year when the "Fab Five" made his wardrobe, taste in food, and wife gayer, was also astounded.
"I refuse to believe it," he said on Monday. "There's no way those fellows are queers. Men who can kiss and tickle me with such strength and passion aren't nothing but 100% men's men."