Paris Hilton's Father Enters Porno Market With Tape Of His Own
Rick Hilton, current owner of the Hilton hotel chain empire and father of socialite Paris Hilton, announced today that in light of the infamous Paris Hilton sex tape that is headed for a commercial release under the title "One Night In Paris", he himself will be foraying into the amateur porno market with a tape of his own.
"This is a lucrative business," Hilton said in a press release, "and one that I'd really like to be a part of."
But Hilton's tape, tentatively titled "One Night In Rick...Wait, What?" will be more than merely a portrayal of a slightly-overweight man having "standard, boring sex" with his wife -- it will also be a "showcase of the many benefits and allures of Hilton hotels".
"My daughter's tape was in fact shot in a Hilton, which gave me this idea," he said. "Between her tape and now mine, we'll be able to reach an all-new demographic of perverts and creeps who might not think they're good enough to stay in a Hilton."
Accordingly, the tape highlights many of the more positive aspects of Hilton hotels, all set to the backdrop of Rick and wife Kathy's lovemaking.
"Now in this particular Hilton, located in the heart of Philadelphia -- oh, God, do you like that, honey? -- you'll have high-speed internet access," Hilton explained, gesturing to the phone jacks in the corner. "We also have two dual-line phones in this room, which are perfect for the traveling businessman...Jesus, that's nice!"
The camera then shifted to the couple in coitus in front of the television, where Hilton was busy checking the latest news on CNN while pounding his wife.
"You'll notice that I am able to watch CNN on television, then go over to CNN.com on the same screen to check out their story on lovemaking tips, which I can then use on the fly," Hilton said as his wife nodded furiously in agreement. "That's because these rooms are equipped with WebTV, which should satisfy even the most technologically advanced 75 year-old."
For the next segment of the tape, the setting shifts to the hotel's Faculty Club buffet restaurant, where Hilton and his wife continued their intercourse on top of one of the eatery's tables as patrons stared in horror.
"In the Faculty Club," panted Hilton, growing visibly exhausted, "you'll be treated to a superb American Buffet, featuring all kinds of foods from all over this diverse country of ours. Or, show up early for a Continental Breakfast that'll just really knock your socks off."
"Sir, my family and I are trying to eat!" said one man angrily, tapping Hilton on the shoulder. Hilton, however, merely laughed good-naturedly.
"Of course you are!" he exclaimed, craning his neck to look at the family's plates while impressively never faltering in his rhythm. "And from the looks of it, you and your lovely family are really enjoying our first-class pancakes and savory breakfast sausages!"
"Well, I guess we are," the man admitted, breaking into a laugh.
"You see?" Hilton shouted as he reached the climax of both the tape's presentation and his orgasm. "Why would you stay somewhere else when you can stay at a...at a fucking HILTON?!"
The tape is expected to go on sale shortly, and should it be a success, Hilton is already readying other methods of following in his daughter's footsteps for publicity.
"I am in talks with Fox to do a reality TV show in which I must survive at a lesser hotel room, using only my wits and platinum Visa card to get me out of trouble," Hilton told us. "It's hilarious fun, and it's reality TV. Keep an eye out for it!"
Meanwhile, Hilton's daughter Paris seemed flattered at her father's copying, although she said she did not quite understand the business aspect of it.
"I'm not sure why he's worried about making a good name for his hotel in the porno," she said. "Like, why would you work like that? Just like all those poor slobs who have to work at gross factories to support their families -- they really don't know how to have fun."