Pregnant Woman Going Around Like She's Britney Spears Or Something
28 year-old Jeanne Barlowe, elementary teacher and newly-announced expectant mother, suddenly thinks she's all Britney Spears and shit, sources say; friends and family close to the recently-impregnated Barlowe have expressed dissatisfaction with the manner in which she has presented herself in public and private, as if she were someone special.
Said friend and neighbor Deanna Goddcheaux: "Ever since she's gotten pregnant, she just goes around all proud of herself like she were a goddamn superstar. It's suddenly all, 'Look at me, I'm pregnant!'. I hate to break the news to her, but getting knocked up just doesn't make you the next Britney Spears, sweetheart."
The recent revelation of Spears' knocked-uppedness has shocked and titillated the gossip-hungry media, which has not had a good story to run since Michael Jackson's accuser's mother's cousin dropped a dime in court yesterday. Conversely, the announcement of Mrs. Barlowe's incubating child has had little affect on the public, despite having broken the news to friends and family that she is, indeed, with child.
"Nice try, Miss USA - Pregnancy Edition," mocked Barlowe's unmarried cousin Hillary Vinton upon receiving the news in an email sent to some family members. "[Jeanne is] just another girl who wants desperately to be just like Britney, but it's not working on me. She's just another wannabe, following in step. First it's low-riding jeans, then it's getting pregnant – what's next? Boob jobs? Follow-up albums?"
Finishing her search for a suitable mate on match.com, Vinton venomously referred to her cousin as "a total poser".
Her slavish imitation of the "Toxic" hit maker would not be the first time that Barlowe jumped onto the "current bandwagon", according to those close to the to-be mother. Other fads that she has embraced have included getting married like she were Jessica Simpson, giving donations to tsunami victims like she were Sandra Bullock, and reading books like she were Oprah.
"It's as if she were this big celebrity now because -- oh my god -- she's pregnant!" exclaimed Barlowe's younger sister Trisha Gayton. "You don't see me getting star-struck, do you? If she just mentions how excited she is to be a mother, I'm going to tell her, 'Yeah, well, where are all your multi-platinum albums?'"
Gayton added, "I mean, she might be knocked up, but she's never french kissed Madonna in front of millions of people on live television, has she? No!"
Compounding Barlowe's woes is the fact that virtually no-one in the media seems to be at all concerned about her pregnancy, despite her obviously trying so hard to get everyone to pay attention to her.
"'Barlowe'?" asked a writer from People, scratching his head. "Is Gwyneth Paltrow pregnant again?"
"Sure, Reginald Barlow -- he was in the Bride of Frankenstein in 1935," said another writer from Pop Culture Magazine #950. "You're saying he's pregnant? And alive?"
But Barlowe is not alone in following the footsteps of the groundbreaking Spears. She is part of a growing movement of expectant women, all energized by the media exposure given to the pregnant Spears, says Linda Gradstein, writer for US Magazine Weekly.
"What Britney has done is invented an entire generation of women who go out and get impregnated with their husband's seed," said Gradstein. "What an innovator!"
Just like the megastar Spears, Barlowe said that she is, "Very excited to become a mother." Besides not being hounded by photographers, reporters and fans, Barlowe continues to be pregnant in a pathetic mimicry of the international celebrity.