Pop Star Tells Audience 'You're Wonderful', Means 'I'm Wonderful'

Saturday night at the Allstate Arena in Chicago, Illinois, pop star and iconoclast Barry Manilow told the audience that he is incredible and marvelous through his insistence that "You are a wonderful crowd," according to several reports from the concert.

The pop star told his adoring spectators repeatedly that they "look great", "are beautiful" and "sound magnificent", which meant that he looked great, is beautiful, and sounded magnificent.

"You are a wonderful crowd!" announced the adored Manilow as he basked in the tear-glazed and loving gaze of nearly ten thousand women between the ages of 45 and 65. "None of this could happen if it weren't for my thousands of fans, and I love all of you!"

The thousands of women, who had fantasized about making love to Manilow while listening to his song "Why Don't We Live Together", unanimously agreed that he is truly far, far better than any of them or the people they know.

"He's right -- he really is magnificent," said Donna Jean of Morton Grove, a 57 year-old retired schoolteacher and Manilow devotee. "He kept telling us that we were the best crowd he's seen and that he loves us, but all I know is that when ‘Beautiful Music' came to a close, I and the other 9,999 ladies all got wet. What a modest man."

Manilow, the object of affection for most American women born between 1940 and 1970, has also expressed the effects of years of narcissism by thanking his manager, agent, and other personnel in the liner notes of his albums, the covers of which feature Manilow or his likeness in flamboyant costume and pose with his oversized name scripted in bright lettering.

"He's a very humble man," said agent Dick Fox, "to be able to stand in front of the deafening applause of women who have dreamed of him and faithfully listened to his records for years, and still tell them that they're worthy to be in the same room as he. He appreciates the paid ticket price of each of his fans just as much as he does their slavish adulation."

Peerless with the possible exception of Neil Diamond, who is reportedly currently receiving additional cybernetic implements that will allow him to continue functioning for another five years, Manilow continues to tour the United States, informing women in each city along the way that he is God's gift to them by telling them that, "the music is all about you!" The exact meaning of this and other thinly-veiled self-congratulatory remarks is determined by people like etymologist Janet Sutton, who devotes her life to decoding the fantastically egotistical messages within them.

"We have developed a system," she said, "that can interpret the orthographies a celebrity will use when addressing an adoring audience. Our Rosetta stone so far has been the liner notes Mr. Manilow's records and CD's."

For example, Sutton said, the phrase "I would like to thank so many people for helping me get this far" has been proven to mean "I am more important than God."

"We are also developing a method to interpret spoken dialogue," she added excitedly. "For example, we now believe that when a male performer says 'I love you all,' he is informing his audience that 'I know you want to fuck me,' while 'You've been a wonderful audience' means 'I have a penis the size of your forearm'".

But when questioned about these secret meanings behind his compliments, Manilow denied them.

"I sincerely mean all the compliments I give," he said, beaming at a reflection of himself in a nearby television screen. "Now, I've got to go, but you've been a wonderful, stunning, sexually magnificent news reporter."

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