Paris Hilton Arrested; Millions Prepare Shitty, Predictable Jokes
Paris Hilton, who is famous for reasons unclear to modern science, was recently arrested on "suspicion of DUI", which means that she was drunk and under something, but possibly not the influence.
Now, millions of people across the United States, already excited at the chance to hear news about a famous person, are undergoing vigorous mental strain to make terrible jokes related to the incident.
"You dream about something like this happening, but when it does, you realize you're not prepared yet," said Lea Tarberg, a 32 year-old secretary and amateur comedian. "Fortunately, I took off of work today when I heard the news, so I figure I've got a head start on other people. I can't wait to come in tomorrow and snap off a few zingers, and hopefully not get fired for skipping today."
As a preview of her work, Tarberg told us what the police really pulled Hilton over for.
"It was her bad album!" she bleated with a grin. "In fact, it was an SUI -- singing under the influence!"
After a new reporter was assigned to this story following the initial correspondent's suicide, many more people across the nation stepped forward to say that they, too, were ready to make jokes that nobody -- except like-minded people -- wants to hear.
Offerings ranged from "I guess police finally heard about her bad acting, amIright?" to the more direct "She was drinking because she was on her way to have sex!" to the Yakov Smirnoff-esque "In Soviet Russia, cars drive you!"
Quality of the jokes notwithstanding, many say they are just relieved to have something interesting in the news following the recent trend of "politics and boredom".
"Statistically, how much more can there really be to say about the Iraq War?" asked Lea Tarberg, amateur data analyst and political commentator. "Hasn't it pretty much been more or less the same since we took Saddam down for September 11th, anyway? Celebrities, on the other hand, are famous, and are constantly doing things."
"Why doesn't CNN milk something that people are interested in for a change, and run with this for a while?" asked North Dakota resident Pete Diller, who once watched CNN accidentally. "For example, they could ask Brad [Pitt] and Angelina [Jolie] what they think about this, and then sort of do a little segue into how Mel Gibson's doing."
A small group of Los Angeles voters have even started an initiative to get Hilton's name on the Presidential ballot in 2008, if only for the "tremendous interest in politics" the move would bring to the average American, thus increasing the quality of the U.S. democracy, in theory.
"It's not the average person's fault that they are more interested in making a joke about a young woman's DUI than they are in mid-term elections -- it's the fault of politics for being so boring," said a representative for the group. "If we can make the average person pay more attention and become more involved in politics, we'll have much more valuable opinions to dictate the policies of our country."
But a few others disagree, saying that paying attention to the likes of Paris Hilton is tantamount to pouring acid into one's ear to allow it access to the brain, or watching a marathon of Mind of Mencia.
"The less people who events like this attention, the better," said one analyst. "In fact, I'd go so far as to say that anyone who reads or writes anything about this, no matter what the context, has just wasted their valuable time."