White-Bearded Men Prepare For Final Christmas Onslaught
Owners of white beards nationwide are bracing for what they hope will be the "last leg" of the holiday season, in which they are "constantly accosted" by dozens of children every day who mistakenly believe them to be Santa Claus.
"I'm damn tired of this season, but it's not even over yet," moaned PA resident Chester Harfield, a 68-year-old owner of a white beard. "Still, I don't know how many more requests from complete strangers for a Game Boy I can take before I start choking kids."
White beard-wearers must endure this phenomenon every year, as children are drawn to them like "moths to a flame", making unsolicited requests for Christmas gifts. But many say the hassle is worth keeping their beards around.
"I'll be damned if I'm going to let a few kids make me shave off my beard," Harfield said sternly. "I've had it since Reagan was in, and I don't intend to lose it now."
But while those like Harfield are only barely putting up with the unwanted attention, some -- like 76-year-old Felix Frankfurter -- are enjoying it.
"I believe these kids are talking to me because they think I'm Santa Claus," Frankfurter explained. "And hell, I think I am too."
The only slightly-bearded man detailed how he broke from his usual routine of "chores and LSD use" at his farm to take on the role of the big man in red due to the demands of one child at a local market.
"I was out making my usual deliveries of tomatoes and figs when a child asked me, 'Are you Santa?'" Frankfurter recalled. "It was then that I realized I was."
He then set about modifying his '32 truck to "fly through the air" and deliver presents", although he soon realized that was more of a challenge than he had anticipated.
"I was trying to get some of those flying reindeer, but they kept flying away from me," he said. "Those Iraqi bastards trained them too well."
Frankfurter took that opportunity to expand on his theory that reindeer -- not planes -- flew into the twin towers on September 11th.
"No Iraqi possesses the cranial capacity to manipulate a plane," he shouted. "I've dissected them, and they just don't. But what they do have is flying reindeer. Lots of them."
In any case, Frankfurter's attempts to build a flying truck failed (much like, he says, the war on Iraq, which "can never be won until we feed their god damned reindeer"), and he was forced to resort to other methods of present delivery.
"I ground the kids' presents up into fine white powder, and mailed them all out today," he said. "When they receive the envelopes, all they have to do is add water, and their toy will assemble instantly."
Frankfurter then accused our reporter of stealing his ideas, and bit a large piece of his ear off.
But despite the efforts of Frankfurter, most white-bearded men agree that they'll be happy once "the season" is over.
"I told one little boy in the grocery store the other day that Santa hated him," Harfield said, burying his head in his hands. "Oh, how crushed that boy looked. But God help me, I just couldn't stop myself."