Ugly Man Constantly Surrounded By Ugly People
His heroes are Charles Bukowski, Victor Hugo and Woody Allen; his favorite food comes in vacuum-sealed bags, and his favorite movie is "Elephant Man". His name is Jim Bowersocks, a local man of obese proportions and a face that some describe as, "Oh my God," and, "Clearasil?" Though the intensity of his eyes is offset by his puffy fore brow and drooping jowls, the focused Bowersocks continues his quest to discover why he always finds himself in the company of ugly people.
"As long as I live, I've never been able to figure out what it is that makes me such a magnet for unsightly companions," said the nonplussed Bowersocks. "Not that I fancy myself a beacon for supermodels either, but from the very beginning it's always been people like Ben "Pizza-Face" Petro, Kathy "Yogurt" Benson and Paul "Potato Sandwich" Horning who have populated my inner-circle. Why?"
The Bowersocks household, which, despite having a king-sized bed, a large collection of action figures, and food for an army, is home to only one, and is filled with evidence that has been collected over the years in an attempt to discover the root cause of the attractiveness-gap. Employing his years of research and associates degree in sociology, Bowersocks has penned a treatise that he refers to as "Why Craigslist Is My Last Great Hope Theory".
"I have deciphered that ugliness is a self-reciprocating hardship, and that no amount of sit-ups, guitar lessons or Neutrogena can do anything to bring an afflicted person out of its vicious vortex," said the trenchant Bowersocks. "Still, it doesn't explain why out of the whole lot of uglies I hang around with, not a single one of them, even amongst the women, has a midriff worth exposing. By the law of averages alone, you'd think that one of us would be okay to look at."
The funny-looking theorist claims that he has not been in the consensual company of a person that could be considered "attractive" since his senior high school class photo session in 1994. Bowersocks has postulated that the disparity amounts to a form of discrimination throughout society that he refers to as "fatism".
"Mr. Bowersocks," said psychologist Evan Helm, "is going to have to realize that attractive people and society at large have nothing against him personally – it's just that he's fucking disgusting." Helm, who has written papers on the topic of legalizing segregation based on looks for house parties, singles nights and other social gatherings, contends that a caste system of ugly, average and smoking hot should be established within the state and national and state legislatures.
"It's an ideal solution and would save hotties from having to worry about guys that look like Jimbo [Bowersocks] making advances on them at parties in front of their friends," continued Helm. "Likewise, men like Bowersocks will never have to worry about being looked at in the eye by some fine piece [of ass], which could send them into a destructive week-long masturbating session that would further impair their self-esteem."
Friends of Bowersocks have shown support for their friends' research, and have offered to help him find a solution to breaking out of the seemingly impenetrable wall of ugliness that surrounds their gang.
"I think that [Jim] is on to something here," said Brett "Swampass" Samuel, common companion of Bowersocks. "I can only dream that there will some day be a way to bridge the great divide between 'hot' and 'not', but until then, at least Jill gives a mean hand job, but it's not that I really enjoy it having to keep my eyes closed the whole time, and trying not to breathe through my nose and all."
