Jungle Fever Mistaken For Racial Tolerance
Jim Halloran of Indianapolis has been informing friends that his recent simmering lust for a black woman represents a new, enlightened point of view on race relations in America for the 28 year-old electrician, even though most experts have dismissed his feelings as the scientific phenomenon known as "jungle fever".
Halloran insists his desires are evidence that he has finally let go of the banal prejudices and racial intolerance that he grew up with in small-town Indiana.
"Back in my parents' day, it was unheard of to look at a black woman lustfully, or even look at them at all," said Halloran. "But times have changed, and I've changed too. I can't stop thinking about getting me a piece of some big black booty, and making a soul sister scream."
"Now that," he said with a proud smile, "is progress."
Halloran went on to explain that while Martin Luther King may have had a dream, "I'd hate to tell you what kind of dreams I'm having, know what I mean?"
"I must really be putting my racial bigotry behind me, because they'd run me out of my family reunion if they knew the kind of crazy shit I'd like some hot African princess to do to me," he said. "Dyno-mite!"
While most around Halloran have noticed a positive change in the invigorated young man, some are concerned about the implications of his inner-racial infatuation.
"I'm glad that Jim[bo] has found something that makes him happy, or at least gets him out on weekends," said Halloran's neighbor Bruce Donaldson. "Still, I hope that he doesn't go and marry some black diva that'll come in and rile up this whole neighborhood."
Donaldson carefully reiterated that he is "all about" racial equality, "but not when it affects someone so close to you, or the insurance rates on your car because of people who might start to live near where you park it at night."
Although Halloran hasn't narrowed his lustful sonar towards any specific African-American woman, friends are noticing his surprisingly liberal and racially inclusive selection of girls he chooses for lap dances at Pole Cats, the local gentleman's club.
"He must be listening to some [popular African-American singer] Beyoncé or something, because until just recently, he used to get up and walk away if one of them black broads came over to our table," said high school friend John 'Deuce' Anderson about his and Halloran's typical session at Pole Cats. "But now he goes in and looks for… what's her name… Shaniqua? Twanada? Beyoncé? The point is, he goes straight for her and throws money at her all night."
"Reparations, maybe," Anderson mused. "Very admirable."
Surprisingly, some prominent sociologists agree with Anderson's assessment; instead of chalking his "racial awakening" up to a simple craving for doing the African samba with a hot mom-ba, Dr. Linda Carver of Ball State University wonders if Halloran's behavior is related to a deep-seeded guilt and desire to expiate years of hatred and indifference.
"Despite years of telling poor black beggars on street corners to'‘get a job', or intellectually reducing Americans of color to minstrel-type characters, his recent behavior may point to a truly sentimental and forgiving center of the finer parts of his true nature," said sociologist Linda Carver of Ball State University. "You can see Mr. Halloran working to undo the pain and suffering caused by hundreds of years of slavery, racial violence and discrimination when he says, 'I'd make a brown sugar sandwich out of that rump roast,' and mean it. That a regular person like Jim could become so reformed and sensitive gives me hope for the future."
Halloran later expressed a longing to settle down with a nice, blond-haired, blue-eyed girl and start a family someday, but said he is thrilled at the prospect of being turned on by a woman of African descent in the meantime.
"It's, like, just so wrong [to desire a black woman], I don't know how to describe it!" expressed an abandoned Halloran. "Maybe I should march for civil rights, or something...just get around some of that African snatch for a day."