Farrah Fawcett Disappointed at Heavenly Reception; Angels, Saints Distracted by King of Pop
70s icon and recently-deceased actress Farrah Fawcett expressed disappointment over the reception granted to her by the host of angels responsible for interning new souls into the land of eternal bliss, as newcomer Michael Jackson's arrival turned Heaven into a free-for-all.
Even St. Peter, seeking an autograph from the King of Pop, could not be bothered to welcome Fawcett to Elysian Fields in a timely fashion, much to the former pin-up's consternation.
"It's like, doesn't my courageous battle with cancer count for anything?" asked Fawcett, whose perfected heavenly body roundly bests Michael Jackson's bizarre eternal appearance that he has chosen for himself, which observers say is a cross between a giant diaper-wearing, rattle-holding child and a zombie. "I thank the small gathering of cherubim who claimed that their hair styles were inspired by my 'Charlie's Angels' character, but even my fellow cancer victims were off hoping to catch a glimpse of Jacko."
"No, it's fine," she said, shrugging her shoulders furiously. "Yeah, all I did was eventually succumb to the cancer that I heroically fought. How did Michael Jackson die? Did his nose finally gain sentience and murder him?"
While she will always be remembered for her iconic hairstyle, being an empowering figure to all women, and looking super-bangable, news of Fawcett's passing doesn't look to be able to compete with the death of Jackson, the man responsible for hits like '"Thriller", "Pretty Young Thing", and the eerily prescient "Cardiac Arrest Is My Worst Enemy".
By contrast, Fawcett never even recorded any songs, which some attribute to sheer laziness.
Jesus Christ, Christian deity and assistant manager of Heaven, vehemently defends Jackson's special treatment, saying the man's profoundly world-altering recording and performing career during life warrants all the commotion.
"Jesus Christ, it's Michael Jackson, okay?" said Jesus Christ. "And before you ask me, yes, he does deserve to be here. It's called fucking Thriller. Good songs make up for anything. I'm adding that to the Bible sequel I've been working on."
Another new arrival into Heaven, late-night sidekick and giant-check-purveyor Ed McMahon, doesn't seem to mind the attention being paid to Jackson, and says Fawcett's time will come (again).
"I'm sure she'll still get her private audience with The Big Guy," he said, " though it'll be a lot more laid back and casual, because the welcoming committee will be a little exhausted after riding Jackson in on a flaming chariot with 'Beat It' being played by the finest horn section this side of the River Styx."
Jackson's death has also received the lion's share of media coverage here on Earth. His trip to the hospital alone caused the on-air orgasms of over 40 news personalities.
"MICHAEL JACKSON IS FUCKING FUUUUCKKKK," shouted one CNN anchor breathlessly, excitedly punching through her desk. "SHOW THE FUCKING GRAPHIC WITH BLOOD IN THE HEART AND SHIT."
Others, such as recently-disgraced Governor Mark Sanford and the entire embattled nation of Iran, say Jackson's death is bittersweet for them.
"On the one hand, this guy was an entertainment legend who may not ever truly be equaled," said Sanford. "On the other hand, look, he's dead, let's talk about that some more."
In recent years, Jackson's impressive catalog of work become overshadowed somewhat by persistent allegations that he had inappropriate relations with children, and that he was generally out of his mind. This has some humorists calling his death the most difficult thing to cover since September 11th, which most agreed was really not very funny at the time.
"I think this is probably just a good time to appreciate the man's career," said late night talk show host Conan O'Brien. "I would hate to see the person who tried to make any kind of joke about this."