Obama Calls Singer Taylor Swift a 'Jackass'
Barack Obama, whom some may remember as the recently-elected President of the United States, called country singer Taylor Swift a "jackass" for winning the Best Female Video award at MTV's video music awards -- an award that "should have gone to Beyonce Knowles."
"She's a fine young woman, and will likely grow up into a great performer," said Obama in an interview with CNBC, "but clearly she is an amateur. Beyonce had the one of the best videos of all time. All time."
Obama made the remarks in one of several "off the record" portions of the interview, which are usually held so that the interviewee can say what he or she actually thinks before lying repeatedly and enthusiastically for the camera.
However, a local man, whose life is consumed by Tweeting on Twitter, overheard the comment and Tweeted it tweemmediately. His 4.3 billion followers then searched online for the video, sending the Internet into a brief moment of panic and destruction. SkyNet, the artificial intelligence that controls the Internet, said off the record that it had briefly contemplated launching all of its nuclear weapons; however, it ultimately decided to just wait until later.
Meanwhile, famous rapper and president of Mensa Kanye West -- whose requests for a Supreme Court recount of the MTV VMAs had been denied until now -- said that he is glad the President is taking up his cause.
"When I contemplate this egregious quandry, I am reminded of the 2000 Presidential election," mused West at his Beverly Hills mansion, "or perhaps the terror of Hurricane Katrina. Once again, the system has failed all of us."
West added that he was using "us" to mean "black people".
For his part, Obama refused to recant his derogatory remark, instead embracing it as a "call to arms."
"When I say jackass, what I mean is jackass," he said on CNBC's partner channel, QNBC. "In addition, the reforms I am proposing to the MTV Electoral College would not apply to those who are here illegally."
South Carolina Republican Senator Joe Wilson, whose comment "You're a fuckin' shiner!" during the President's State of the Union speech has made him a hero to racists everywhere, condemned the President's words instantaneously.
"You lie!" he shouted from across the street. "Beyonce's video was unique, and being parodied on Saturday Night Live is quite an accomplishment, but Taylor Swift's music is so pure and wholesome, and her look so fresh and invigorating, that it was literally impossible for me to vote for Beyonce."
Obama immediately challenged Wilson to a dance-off, which the President promptly won. Wilson apologized for his words, but refused to apologize twice.
Perhaps inspired by Wilson's apology, Obama eventually did issue one of his own to Taylor Swift, writing on his blog, "I'M SOOOOO SORRY TO TAYLOR SWIFT AND HER FANS AND HER MOM." Most experts believe this will be remembered as one of the greatest and most significant Presidential apologies in history.