Fans Of Reunited Band Plead With Them To Not Release New Album

Pictured: an enraged fan begs

Aquinas' Anus, an 80s punk band that gained a small but dedicated fanbase throughout their seven-year career, recently reformed for a reunion tour, which has been critically acclaimed by hip websites and magazines once they saw that their readers liked it.

Still, while fans have embraced the live shows, they've also been quick to put together an online petition begging the Anus to reconsider the release of "any and all new material, due to the probability of it being shit."

"Most bands have maybe one good album, and two if they're really lucky," explained fan Shelia Tate. "The Anus is no exception -- they were already starting to suck on tracks five, six, and seven-and-a-half of their third and final album [Albertus Mag-Anus]. I can only imagine that a new album would be a musical abomination."

Tate says that while earlier albums by the band were forged from intense, raw creativity and artistic integrity, any new musical efforts would almost certainly be tainted with "commercialism and an animalistic lust for money. What reason could they possibly have to make new stuff now, besides needing to pay the bills?"

To make matters worse, she added, a new album would need to conform to the strict expectations and image fans like her have of the band, ultimately pigeonholing the band stylistically.

"What are they going to do, some new sound that's probably a rip-off of Modest Mouse or something?" Tate asked sardonically. "True fans of the band don't want to hear that crap. We want the old sound, which is now impossible for the band to achieve."

In the band's defense, lead singer Theo Summa says he feels that reuniting has made the musicians realize they still have something left to say.

"Just because we aren't angry young men anymore doesn't mean we don't have relevant commentary to make," Summa argued. "I'm sure there are a lot of experiences I can draw on from my years of raising a family in the suburbs."

Summa says he is also confident that if the band did write new material, most fans would be thrilled to hear it at a live show.

"They cheer for the old favorites, sure," he said, "but I'm sure that by now, they're all a little tired of those songs. Who doesn't want to hear something new?"

In a recent poll, 30% of Americans who own or wear an Aquanius' Anus t-shirt said that they have never actually heard the band.

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: