Office Workers Baffled At Gay Co-Worker's Lack Of Style
Employees at New York-based Terragraphics, Inc., are reportedly "frightened and confused" due to what they perceive to be a serious "style deficiency" in co-worker Bruce Towns, an openly gay man.
Lauren Smitts, an office secretary, told us that ever since Towns was hired three weeks ago, his style of dress and overall appearance has been the subject of repeated office conversation.
"It just doesn't make any sense," she said bewilderedly. "Bruce admitted to us himself that he's gay, but he dresses and presents himself like any other person around the office. And I know I'm not alone when I say, what the hell is up with that?"
Smitts said that the overwhelming consensus among her and other Terragraphics employees is that Towns should be the "epitome of style".
"I just don't think he's using his homosexuality to its full potential," she elaborated. "He could be assembling dazzling suit combinations, or pushing the envelope of office clothing. Instead, he just wears blue suits."
"Sometimes, he'll wear a sweater on casual Friday," she added. "Whoop-de-god damned-do."
Above: Towns works at his desk, unaware that he has no style at all.
Another employee, Daniel Swartson, said that Towns' apparent lack of finesse for his personal appearance is "irritating".
"I watch 'Queer Eye For The Straight Guy', and I think to myself, 'Boy, I sure wish I knew a gay person, so I could witness hilarious style-related antics first-hand,'" he said in frustration. "And then it dawns on me that I do know a gay person. I'm getting freaking ripped off, and I hate it."
Swartson then suggested that perhaps Towns' is actually not gay at all.
"Sure, we've seen him with his boyfriend and everything, but really, what does that prove?" he speculated. "The real test of the matter is in his dress, and let me tell you, it could not get much more plain."
Smitts said that the employees were considering some sort of intervention on Towns, but had nothing definitive planned as of yet.
"The supervisors want something done, that's all I know," she said. "Bruce's dressing is really starting to drag productivity down, and I think it's up to us to really lay down the law with him."
Supervisor Dale Townshend agreed.
"Of course we wouldn't consider firing Bruce because of his sexuality," he assured us. "But hurting the company with his distracting choice of dress...well, that's another matter entirely. We have to look at the situation and think, 'Is this employee helping us, or is he hurting us?'"
Added Townshend, "I heard he's not really gay! Is that true or what?"