Just For Men To Market 'Touch Of Gay' Hair Product
Just For Men, a men's hair coloring formula owned by international conglomeration Combe Incorporated, has announced its new product, "Touch of Gay®," will hit the market this spring.
According to materials provided by Combe, the hair treatment promises to style a man's hair "just enough to make him look slightly gay" while still maintaining the normal "I don't know how to take care of myself" look that straight men typically flaunt.
"Now, more than ever, companies need guys who have manliness, but also some style," reads the company's website. "Show them what you've got with Touch Of Gay®."
A spokesman for Combe -- whose touch of gray hair made us think that while he's definitely experienced, he's also energetic -- stated that the company plans a massive advertising campaign targeted towards men who are "between five and ten percent gay already."
"We plan to run our television advertising spots heavily during UFC [Ultimate Fighting Championship] fights on Spike TV," said Bill Frazier, the Combe spokesman. "Touch of Gay® will also be a big sponsor of 'American Idol', 'The Tonight Show with Jay Leno', and 'Big Bang Theory'."
Male testers have reported positive results with the product during clinical trials.
"I just combed it into my hair, and while I didn't necessarily find myself attracted to men, I definitely felt like I was hot enough that another guy could conceivably want to bone me, and I could be okay with that," said one male test subject, named T-079867. "At least, my hair did."
"I don't need this, since I'm already very successful," explained another test subject, casually brushing back his naturally frosted, slightly-rumpled hair, "but I can see how other people who are not doing well at life might want it."
Female focus group members, however, have generally not been impressed with the product. When shown pictures of men who had just used Touch of Gay®, 56% of women reported that something about the men looked "too gay," while 28% of those women said "my penis is bigger than that guy's."
Critics have denounced the product, saying that it somehow implies sexuality is the key to man's success.
"Obviously, if I've got gray hair, I'm not going to attract any women -- that's one thing," said protestor and Just For Men user Garret Wills. "But to base your entire advertising campaign on convincing men that they need to be more gay looking -- it's just misleading. This is America. We can be straight if we want to be. I just don't want to have gray hair."
Some also point out that in a small but notable percentage of testers, the product actually elicited overwhelming homosexual urges that led to massive, gay, orgy-like events. Consequently, the U.S. Army is investigating the use of Touch of Gay® on Taliban fighters.
"If we can turn all of those Muslim boys into gays, and they're too busy butthumping to fight, we'll be able to slip in. And then defeat them," said Army General Stanley A. McChrystal. "This is the product [the Army] has been waiting for for a long time."