Passive-Aggressive Fistfight Breaks Out Over Email
Two office workers at San Francisco-based marketing firm Palmer & Palmer were hospitalized last night shortly before 5PM, after engaging in a brutal passive-aggressive email exchange that left them with serious injuries.
The men will be charged with bitchery by way of email, which is punishable by feeling uncomfortable around one another in meetings. Each man is also allowed to issue one backhanded compliment at the other's expense in front of their manager.
At issue was a missed deadline for a report, which marketing analyst John Greene attributed to lack of attention being paid by the agency's project manager, Jonathan Gantz.
"Hey Jonathan -- could you make extra sure these reports get on my schedule ahead of time?" read Greene's initial email to Gantz, which their manager was carbon copied on. "That way we don't fall behind schedule. Thank you so much! I know you'll get this right very soon."
The force of the email reportedly rocked Gantz back in his chair, crushing his nose and spraying blood all over the cubicle behind him. However, he was still able to land a counter-blow of his own, knocking five of Greene's teeth out with his biting reply.
"Gosh, John -- I sincerely apologize. I guess I was just under the impression that you would be able to handle remembering to make this report, without me having to give you a little extra special reminder," he wrote furiously, using a potentially-deadly technique of subtly increasing his font size by one point, as well as adding the department head and his wife to a blind carbon copy list. "Completely my mistake, and I'll be sure to hold your hand next time."
"Let me know," the email concluded, damaging Greene's kidney, "if you need anything else from me."
In separate statements from their respective hospital beds, both men seemed remorseful at what they had done.
"Jonathan's such a great guy, and I'd really hate for something like this to dog him for the rest of his career," explained Greene. "Unfortunately, you know how people are. They may hold this against him, however unfair that would be, especially after I send out my apology email to the entire team explaining how I must have misunderstood what his job role at this company is."
Gantz also struck a conciliatory tone, simply stating, "I can't speak for John's work ethic or abilities, but he has a wonderful family."
Experts say that as the economy continues to shed jobs, increased pressure at the workplace may force more non-confrontations like these, causing workers to fear suspiciously polite interchanges with ominous undertones.
"A co-worker in my office told me just the other day that I looked very nice for a guy who must be feeling pressure to get caught up on work I'm behind on," said business psychologist Dr. Ted Lazlow. "Fortunately, I was able to keep my cool, and have a healthy response of kicking his ass down the hallway."
Authorities say they're grateful that the incident didn't turn fatal, as so many passive-aggressive attacks often do. Just three years ago, a man murdered his co-worker by giving him a series of mean looks.