Woman Likes To Add Extra Click On Computer

46 year-old CA resident Ava Morrison, despite admittedly not "knowing too much" about computers, told the Enduring Vision that she is in the habit of adding a "little extra click on the mouse" as she operates her computer at the dentist's office where she is a receptionist.

"Now, I'm no Gill Bates or any high-tech Albert Einstein computer maker," she said with a laugh, "but I do use the old computadora -- that's Spanish for 'computer' -- quite a bit around the office. So, understandably, I have picked up a few little tricks of the trade here and there."

After discovering such tricks as using her CD drive for a coffee mug holder and attempting to access the floppy drive without a disk to make a "silly noise", Morrison set her sights on the navigation of the computer itself.

"I know computers are supposed to be lighting-fast and all, but sometimes, I just felt like I wasn't making mine go fast enough, especially whenever I had more than 19 Internet Explorer windows open at one time," she explained. "I thought about consulting the manual or perhaps lubricating the computer's circuits and gears with some WD-40, but both of those ideas seemed like too much work, and I also know that computers are supposed to reduce your work, not add to it."

Armed with this knowledge, Morrison concluded that she simply was not clicking enough.

"I thought to myself: 'Ava, what do you do on the computer that makes things happen?' That's right, clicking. And if one or two clicks will make things go, it stands to logical reason that another one will make them go faster."

Ever since coming to her epiphany, Morrison has noticed her computer use speed up "tenfold".

"Well, maybe not tenfold," she said after considering. "But it definitely did make things happen, like whenever the icon that I clicked on turns into a highlighted color after I click the third time."

This color indicates the computer is going at "super speed", according to her.

"It works the same way as real life -- when something goes very fast, it appears to just be a blur of colors," she said. "The computer knows this, and imitates it in the form of the icons turning a different color. It's all very logical."

Sometimes the computer will go so fast, says Morrison, that it will actually double a request she has made.

"Occasionally I'll feel a little frisky and click four times," she said with a bit of nervousness and a blush. "When that happens, the computer will sometimes give me two of whatever I clicked on, rather than the normal one. This occurs due to the laws of physics operating at hypersonic speed, as the motherboard accesses the mouse and uploads it into a JPEG file."

Armed with impressive technical jargon such as that displayed in the previous quote, Morrison attempted to let her supervisor know about the shortcut she had discovered. But unfortunately, Bob Greenhead, or Bob "Stupidhead", as Morrison says he is also known, was not willing to listen.

"He just said, 'Ava, I'm not sure you understand what is happening here,' and then started spouting off a whole bunch of hootie-patootie about extra clicks and things like that, but I was so darn mad that I didn't hear any of it," she said angrily. "It just goes to show that a girl can't make it in this male-dominated world."

But for now, Morrison says she is happy to keep her efficiency secret to herself, and use it to her benefit.

"Even if the rest of the office doesn't care, I'll be the one laughing when my productivity is through the roof," she said triumphantly. "At least, I will be whenever my new computer gets in. My old one sadly bit the dust, even after I attempted to speed it up and extend its life by taking it apart and removing some unnecessary parts."

Morrison did this and her other tricks not with extensive knowledge, but with "good old common sense."

"Like I said, I may not know very much about computers, but I've got a good, logical mind," she said proudly. "And with cold, logical machines like computers, that can go a long way."

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: