Area Man Runs Off Cliff Without Looking Down, Fails To Fall

Local resident Gerald Harrison was miraculously spared what was almost certain death when gravity failed to pull him down after he accidentally ran off of a high cliff, he told reporters at a press conference today.

Harrison explained the circumstances surrounding the event in detail.

"I was chasing after a small, speedy bird, with the intention of catching it and eating it," he said. "In fact, I had preemptively placed a knife and a fork in each of my hands, and tied a napkin around my neck, which was fortunate, because as I ran, my legs turning into circular blurs due to my high rate of speed, large droplets of drool flew from my mouth, causing me to look as ravenous as I felt."

But Harrison's dreams of making a dinner out of his winged prey were cut short when the bird, unbeknownst to Harrison at the time, quickly darted off the path, placing a large, painted piece of scenery in front of Harrison.

"The scenery was painted to make it appear as if the desert road continued for miles into the distance," he said bitterly, slamming a fist down on his thigh in frustration. "It was so clever, I never saw it coming."

But although the scenery implied otherwise, the road actually terminated in a severe cliff -- a fact Harrison failed to realize even after running through the facade.

"With my excessive speed stemming from my extreme desire to capture the bird, I rocketed through the scenery, leaving a hole in it that exactly matched the shape of my body," he explained. "I then kept running, still unaware that the ground had in fact ceased to exist beneath me."

Even though Harrison's feet were no longer making contact with any physical surface, however, he remained amazingly in the air.

"As I ran, I became more and more aware that something was amiss. Finally, I looked behind me, and saw the fake cardboard scenery. In a flash, I knew I had been fooled."

Keeping his cool, however, Harrison kept his eyes ahead of him, making a swift u-turn back onto the cliff.

Said Harrison: "Something just told me that if I looked down, I would begin to fall. So I remained calm and simply turned around, running back on the cliff."

Once there, Harrison experienced a delayed traumatic shock reaction, collapsing on the ground. He was taken to a local hospital after being discovered by a patrol, where he was told that the phenomenon that had occurred was "quite natural".

"Although we don't recommend running off of cliffs to test the theory," laughed physicist Jane Granda, "it's true: if you run from one with a high enough velocity, you will be able to continue running, as long as you don't look down, or give any other indication that you are aware that you aren't on the ground anymore."

Though Harrison survived, he has not yet caught the bird to date.

"I did make an attempt yesterday, wherein I plotted to place a box of Acme brand TNT on a path that I know the bird usually takes," he admitted, "but the wires somehow got rerouted to my head, blowing up my skull when I pushed the button down and turning me a grayish-black color."

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: