Area Man Drinks Beer, Gets Women
26 year-old Darren Malwood, a software programmer who was previously a virgin, decided to indulge himself on Thursday night by drinking several beers made by a popular brand-name brewer. Within minutes, not only was his home, which had previously been empty except for him, a "wild, raucous party", but he had also had sex approximately 26 times with over 39 women.
A still-surprised Malwood spoke to The Enduring Vision yesterday about his encounter.
"I had always seen those beer commercials where they implied, if not outright stated, that drinking their particular brand of beer would land you in the midst of all kinds of beautiful women, but I never really placed much stock in them," he said. "But Thursday night, I was feeling especially lonely, so I decided to give it a shot."
After the first few beers, which went down slowly due to Malwood disliking the taste of them, he noticed very little of a difference in the state of his sexual life, and began to "feel silly". But after a few more, the first signs of an improved social situation began to appear.
"Suddenly, there was a knock at my door," he said. "I stood up to answer it, noticing with some surprise that my work slacks, which I was still wearing, had transformed into colorful beach shorts. I opened the door, and there stood two ravishingly beautiful twin sisters, brushing each other's breasts with their hands and giggling at me."
When Malwood asked if he could help them, the girls made erotic noises and bounded into the house, followed by hundreds of other equally-attractive men and women.
"There were more good-looking people than I thought existed on the Earth, and they were all in my house," he said, still in disbelief. "It was amazing."
As the first five beautiful women converged on Malwood and began to initiate sex with him, he ran over possible scenarios besides the beer consumption that would have brought them to his house.
"It was just so hard to believe that drinking beer made all of this happen, so I tried to think of other things I might have done to bring the people, like maybe dressing a little extra-snazzy at work, or people getting a whiff of this new cologne I bought on clearance at Sears," he said. "I also remembered that this one woman waiting for a cab next to me looked like she was kind of looking sideways at me for a few seconds, so I thought maybe she had something to do with it."
Nonetheless, by his 17th and 18th orgasms of the night, Malwood was convinced that somehow, it was the beer that had brought him the newfound popularity.
"I know it's crazy, but I just couldn't imagine my Crest whitening strips having that much of a positive effect on my life," he said. "Once I ruled those out along with everything else, the beer was pretty much the only thing left."
Either that, he added, or God, but "He traditionally really doesn't hook people up with stuff like this, from my understanding."
Harold Thorpe, a noted beverage scientist, says that what Malwood experienced is certainly nothing new.
"It's really almost common knowledge that consumption of certain beers will result in you attracting many more members of the opposite sex, usually bisexual attractive ones," he said. "I'm sure Mr. Malwood probably also noticed a temporary increase in his muscular mass and ability to make witty observations, as well."
For Malwood, the science behind the event doesn't matter; he's just glad that "for once, a product lived up to its commercial."
"No more work for me," he said emphatically. "From now on, it's all beer, all the time."
In possibly related news, a large gang known only as the "Party Robbers" is suspected in yet another case of large-scale house robbery this past Thursday.