Company President's Vanity Plate 'RCH ASHOL' Attempts Irony; Is Actually Brutal Honesty
Don Keravona, president and owner of Mechanical Services Engineering Ltd. and reported "total dickhead", accidentally described himself flawlessly with his SUV vanity license plate "RCH ASHOL" [Rich Asshole], which he wrongly assumed would be interpreted as tongue-in-cheek humor.
The attempt at satirical self-mockery backfired, unbeknownst to Keravona, and instead sums up perfectly his personality and situation, say his friends and neighbors.
"He tries to punt himself off as an everyman sort of guy, but really he is just a rich asshole," said neighbor Tim Stratton. "He acts like he's so humble because he got the Excursion and not the Suburban for his wife; the hardwood kitchen floor and not the checkered-tile; the Vegas vacation and not Florence."
Jokingly addressing a non-present Keravona, Stratton said, "So, Mother Teresa, how many hours do you think any of your employees would have to work to afford your goddamn mailbox?"
When asked if, perhaps, his license plate was intended as a pompous declaration of upper-class status and not sardonic self-mockery, Stratton replied, "Fuck no!"
"Maybe if he didn't actually complain to me about people who drive SUVs, hog the lanes and pollute the air while keeping a straight face, but humble?" Stratton asked incredulously. "Shit."
"Let's not forget," added Stratton, "that he 'downgraded' from the F250 to the 150 because he didn't need 'all that room'. Yeah, I hope you don't choke to death in that confined space, dick."
The joke seems to have been lost on Keravona's co-workers and employees as well.
"He acts like a smoker on a first date who covers up by sitting in the smoke-free area," remarked company vice-president John Reichert. "He might not be such an asshole if either he actually wasn't rich or if he didn't deny it, but the fact remains that you could house more poor families in his garage than cars."
The self-proclaimed "meek and middle-class" Keravona's house has a total of 3,500 square feet and a four-car garage, of which three spaces are occupied by cars worth $30,000 or more. His Ford F150, which he claims to require for work, uses up approximately 12 to 16 gallons of gasoline per mile, making for approximately 4.5 gallons of fuel used each day on his 60-mile round trip commute.
Despite the data, Keravona maintains that he is not an overspent, obscenely moneyed prick, "like the glutinous upper crust."
"I just hate the unnecessarily big houses and lane-hogging SUVs," claimed Keravona. "I require my son to drive a Honda Accord and to show me his credit-card bills at the end of the month so he learns to respect the environment and understand just how far a dollar goes these days."
But Keravona's family, including his credit-card wielding son, appears to be unaware of their stature as the respective son, daughter and wife of a rich asshole, "because he bullshits them like he bullshits his employees," said long-time acquaintance Brian Robert.
"We're all waiting for the kids to have the typical 'I hate my dad, I wish I was poor, everything's his fault' phase, but he's managed to maintain an average Joe facade," continued Robert. "That would be the case if making your daughter pay off half her Bloomingdale's card with her own money takes you off the ostentatious-as-fuck list."
The license plates purchased for Keravona's wife and daughter appear to be standard-issue for the state, unlike Keravona's vanity plate, but the "Save the Environment" and "Mean People Suck" on their respective bumpers have drawn widespread amusement.
"Do I need to really say anything more?" rhetorically asked Stratton. "It's not every day that you see a plea to save the environment and an SUV going hand in hand without someone using Photoshop, but this is the real thing."
Spitting onto the Keravona's highly-manicured-yet-naturally-fertilized lawn, he commented, "And the fact that his daughter is a horrible, image-absorbed bitch makes it all the more hilarious. Maybe she'll become a lawyer someday and put the icing on the cake."