Metal Detector Fails To Stop School Shooting; Schools Consider Larger Detectors

In what was the largest U.S. school shooting since Columbine in 1999, Jeff Weise, a 16 year-old living in Minnesota, gunned down nine people and then killed himself this past Monday.

Unlike Columbine, however, Red Lake Senior High School featured a metal detector at the front doors to discourage bringing firearms into the school -- a security measure likely installed at the school, and other schools across the nation, because of the events at Columbine. It was through these doors that Weise entered, bafflingly carrying guns and armor into the school despite the existence of the detector.

"I just don't understand," said Arnold Mulkon, a member of the school board. "We installed the detectors after Columbine to stop this kind of madness. How could he bring metal guns to school without being afraid of the guns know, detected?"

Others, like Janice Pullman, flatly refused to believe the detector was even working on Monday.

"It just wasn't turned on or something," she said. "Because if it had been turned on, some kind of siren would've went off, and Jeff would've ran away from the school, terrified."

The school even had an unarmed security guard, who was regrettably shot and killed by Weise, on duty to monitor the results of the detector. Pullman theorized that the guard, too, was "not right" on that fateful day.

"Our current theory is that the guard was distracted by a shiny piece of metal on the ground, and was thus not looking scary enough," she said. "If he was wearing his appropriate 'I don't think so, mister' face, I'm confident that Jeff would've calmly laid his guns down at the door, possibly asking for forgiveness from Jesus in the process."

The ramifications of the incident are potentially very serious; schools across the nation rely primarily on metal detectors to keep their kids from shooting each other every day. If for some reason these detectors aren't functioning correctly, new security measures will have to be taken, such as building "bigger, more colorful detectors", says Rhea Actionary, president of the Protect Our Kids From Themselves (POKFT) organization.

"It's no surprise that small, crappy, gray sub-airport-grade detectors didn't work," she said. "What we need is a detector at least as big as the school, with lots of blue swirls and smoke coming out of this one tube, like this: Fssssshhhhhhht."

Other ideas proposed by the POKFT include a large magnet over the doors that will rip all metal objects out of students' pockets; hiring several psychics to attempt to head potential shooters off before they go through with their plans; showing an optional school video on why "Guns Are For Fools, Yo"; and, in the same vein as the psychics, preemptively shooting children who appear as though they might "act out inappropriately."

"All of these programs will cost taxpayers hundreds of millions of dollars, but I predict with even one of them in place no student would ever shoot another ever again," Actionary said confidently. "So can you put a price on your child's safety?"

Actionary's last suggestion concerning marking dangerous-looking individuals in advance may become a reality; experts are already noting that Weise, like the Columbine killers, was a member of the "Gothyick Cultyre".

"Gothyicks, or 'Gooths' as they like to be called, are dark, disturbed individuals who often worship Adolf Hitler and Osama bin Laden," said one Fox News analyst. "Usually, they listen to violent, pro-murder 'musik', such as Marylin Mason and The Beatles, and they tend to play underground 'videographics', such as Doom, which features a young Gothyick man killing kids at his school."

Could applying such a blanket statement to a group of individuals really be fair? According to the analyst, it's not only fair, it's productive and safe.

"In World War II, for instance, we knew that Japanese people, unless they were fighting for us, were dangerous and needed to be put into internment camps," he explained. "Such is the case with the Gothyicks, and probably the Reefer-Heads too. It's really just common sense."

Whatever solution is eventually discovered to end gun violence forever, most experts agree that it won't be found in the home.

"These kids are acting out because something scary and violent told them to," said Actionary. "I don't think it's fair to blame parents or upbringing or guns or any combination of factors, or even nothing at all, when you realize that every single person who ever listened to Slayer ended up shooting people, or going insane."

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