Rush Hour Tragedy Kills Four, Pisses Off Commuters

A ten-care pile-up on the Chicago Kennedy Expressway Friday night that resulted in four fatalities caused furor and agitation for thousands of commuters during the height of rush hour, according to firsthand reports from the scene.

"Damn it, this always happens," said commuter Jim Jensen to himself as he struggled to contain his anger. "Someone up there better have died, because this is worse than usual -- and I've got places to go."

That three of the dead were children on their way home from Sunshine Day Care Center failed to inspire sympathy from the gigantic volume of drivers -- approximately 75% of those stuck in traffic said that they "don't give a fuck, I just want to get home," while 15% showed only slight concern for those involved in the accident.

"I mean, I hope that no one got hurt -- MOVE IT, YOU FUCK -- but this traffic is really exceptional today -- GOD DAMNED SHITKICKER, COME ON!" were the sentiments of Sela Eaton, 38, florist and mother of four. "I do want to get home and cook dinner for my children, but -- ASSHOLE, YOU CUT ME OFF -- that no one was seriously injured is the most important thing. Dinner can wait -- HOLY SHIT, STEP ON THE GAS OR I'LL RIP OUT YOUR SPHINCTER!"

In fact, with gas prices their highest in years and Chicago residents feeling the crunch of varying economic times, the price of a gas of gasoline seemed to warrant more irritation than sympathy for those harmed in the accident, especially since the average Chicago dweller spends 60 hours a year in traffic, according to recent studies.

"Clean ‘em up with a dry-vac if you've got to, I'm running on fumes!" screamed one Chicago driver. "Do these people know what an appointment is?"

The remaining 10% of those surveyed allegedly got off at the nearest exit and/or stopped to stare at the carnage while offering their analysis on how the crash could've been handled better by local authorities.

"I just don't see why they can't move everyone off to the shoulder and get us moving," complained Greg Erranson to his wife, Jeena, as they pulled up to the scene of the accident. Erranson continued as his wife amusedly stared at the wreckage: "I think I saw some kid's blood-splattered Barbie doll -- that sucks, I know. But there are millions of people who need to get to and from work -- why don't they have a better way of clearing wreckage so that commuters can get from point A to point B? There are other important things besides a few people's lives when it affects this many people, you know."

The most sanctimonious tribute to the four killed in the accident -- or the "Poor Dead Bastards", as they were referred to by many involved in the traffic -- came from traffic reporter Alex Wilson, who remarked, "Air 790 -- the Kennedy Expressway is backed up all the way from the loop to the airport because of an overturned Day Card Bus. Fatalities are reported and, oh nasty, that dark fluid oozing from the wreckage sure doesn't look like motor oil."

After pausing for station identification, Wilson concluded his report by saying, "Pity the poor fools, and, unless you don't have to get anywhere quickly or have a car-crash fetish, avoid the Kennedy."

Public sentiment over the PDB grew a bit more understanding after the wreckage was moved into the shoulder and the lanes re-opened, allowing traffic to squeeze through, though still at a decreased rate.

"Wow, that sucks [that the PDB are dead]," said one sympathetic passerby. "Shit, we'd better call the restaurant and push back our reservations by a half-hour."

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