Man Finds Duties As Godfather Less Enjoyable Than Those Of Best Man
Ben Zurich, product representative for HG Heating and Cooling, 27, expressed inward disappointment over the "anticlimactic" honor of being asked to be Godfather to the newborn son of best friend Adam Olson, according to comments by Zurich himself late last night.
"What a difference a year can bring," lamented Zurich. "At this time last year, as Adam's best man, I was responsible for making final preparations for getting the keg delivered at least two hours prior to the arrival of [strippers] Jeenah and Krystal, for making sure that there was enough coke to go around and all the while maintaining the illusion that we were at Dave and Buster's whenever [wife] Donna called. Now he wants me to hold his baby? I'm not sure if I'm ready to take on that heavy load."
Zurich stated that while being a Godfather sounds like fun, it pales in comparison to the benefits of being best man, drinking buddy or getaway driver. The rewards, he maintains, would not be worth the effort had anyone aside from Olson selected him for the honor, which he accepted as a courtesy to his friend.
"Ben has been with me through a lot," said a grateful daddy Olson, "and when he helped convince Donna after the bachelor party that the cut on my nose was from a paintballing accident, and not the stripper's cunt ring, I knew that I wanted a man of his ilk to help my child travel the rough road of life."
"If he's willing to go that deep for me, just think about what he'll do for my son," beamed the proud father and friend.
But despite happily accepting the honor on behalf of their friendship, Zurich was shocked to discover a vast chasm between his one-time duties as Olson's best man and that of his new responsibility as Godfather of his friend's firstborn, Thomas.
"What I wouldn't give to be back to the time of Adam shitting his pants in La Bamba's Burritos and Tacos after a good night of binge drinking," Zurich said, reflected woefully that Olson's son peeing on his new silk shirt failed to have the same hilarious effect.
From attending college, to graduating, to landing their first jobs, to sending Olson off to get married, Zurich claims that every right-of-passage they achieved together was marked with ever-increasing volumes of alcohol consumption until this last milestone. The lack of intoxication and the increased responsibility has not sat well with Zurich, despite being flattered by the honor.
"In the past, whenever Adam wanted me to help him out with something, there was always the promise of beer at the end, or sometimes the start of the day," recalled the underwhelmed Godfather. "Now, I can't even drink a beer around the baby, out of some irrational fear that I'll drop him -- what kind of payoff is that?
"Couldn't they have just named the kid after me and left the real responsibilities to someone who knows what to do when the baby starts bawling, or shitting itself?" he wondered.
Despite Zurich's secret disdain for his position in the life of his friend's scion, the family claims to be thrilled.
"We love Ben so much, and he is going to be such a good father when it's his turn," said Donna Olson. "At first I didn't think much of him, like back when I met Adam just after he and Ben had graduated college, I thought Ben was immature, irresponsible, reckless and a bad influence. But I changed my mind when Ben's bachelor party for Adam was just taking his friends out for a day of paintball, a tour of Wrigley Field and a night of pool instead of some coked-out skanky-ho fest like so many guys do."
Zurich, despite obsequious approval from the Olson camp, remains uncomfortable around children, even to a contemptuous degree.
"Some people think a baby's giggling and cooing is adorable, but it just annoys the fuck out of me," said a vituperative Zurich. "I just hope that I'm still around long enough to take little Thomas out for his first beer, and I might just not have it in me to wait until he's 21. That's when I'm really looking forward to properly executing my duties as Godfather."
Zurich said that the one part of his new role that he is looking forward to as the grows up, is to give him Godfatherly advice in a husky, reserved yet powerful voice with a hint of an Italian accent, and to be called 'Godfather'.
"It's not 'Uncle Benny', it's 'Godfather' -- you got it?" Zurich instructed a napping Thomas Olson during a recent babysitting while the adult Olsons were at Home Depot.