U.S. Attacked Again, Experts Already Saying 'September 11th II', Huge Tragedy, We Will All Likely Die Soon
Two makeshift bombs exploded in front of the building containing the British Consulate in New York today, killing no one and shattering some windows in what officials are calling the worst attack on American soil since September 11th, 2001.
"Jesus motherfuck, the end times are here," said New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg in his statement to the press. "These terrorists are relentless, and I think that this day will forever be remembered as September 11th II: May 5th."
"Not even a headline with some curse words in it is appropriate now," said Jason Varswink, editor-in-chief of the unpopular and obscure satirical website The Onion, sadly. "I'm not writing anything like that now, because people don't want to laugh. They want to cry. They want to motherfucking kill themselves."
Police say the mystery terrorists lobbed makeshift grenades that were contained within two plastic pieces of fruit -- a pineapple and a lemon, which are incidentally the two pieces of produce highest on the FDA's infamous "Terror Fruits" list -- towards the general direction of the building, proving that even after the first September 11th, the United States is still woefully unprepared for terrorist attacks.
"I've said all along that we need giant fly swatters in front of every building to deflect bombs and kill giant terrorist flies," said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. "Now it's too late, and our nation's precious glass has been spilt all over the sidewalk."
Many citizens are concerned that the attacks could go further, and that everyone will be dead really soon.
"That fruit could've gone in my kid's cereal," said one man on the scene angrily. "I mean, sure, he doesn't put lemon in his cereal, but who the hell says they're going to stick to lemons? That's what I want to know! WHO THE HELL IS SAYING THAT?"
The man then broke down into sobs and had to be comforted by police, who were also crying.
Although nobody is quite sure who the hell is saying that, the nation at large is gearing up into action to hopefully try and prevent a third September 11th, with citizens from all walks of life in all industries coming together to protect their country for a few months, until they relax and forget about it.
"I figure it's about time to put the old American flag back out on the porch again," said one New York resident with pride, picking up the flag from its position in the kitchen corner where the dog was sleeping on it. "And this time, I'll be keeping a more careful eye on everyone else. Last time I think I kept it up for about a week too long and people were starting to get weird ideas about me."
Even corporations, well-known for being evil, are joining in.
"We will be discontinuing our 'Fruit of the Loom' brand name as part of our response to the tragedy of September 11th May 5th 2001 2005," said a representative for the undergarment company of the same name. "We will now proudly be called Freedom of the Loom."
Meanwhile, President Bush has vowed "swift justice against somebody".
"If these people from that country think they can get away with this, they have another thing coming," he said sternly, "especially since I have irrefutable evidence that links whoever they are to Iran."
Predictably, some critics who may or may not have ties to the terrorists have already surfaced to say that such reactions are overblown, and that this attack was not even severe enough to cause any major property damage, let alone the loss of thousands of lives. But for many people, such reasoning is anti-American.
"An attack is an attack," said one author of the soon-to-be-passed Super-Dee-Duper Patriot Act. "If people don't take it seriously, they're just going to make us more doomed than we already are."