U.S. Considers Bankruptcy, Liquidation
In light of similar moves from companies like Circuit City and Gold Chandeliers, Inc., the United States is weighing the pros and cons of liquidating its entire inventory and shutting down, said Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner at a press conference this morning.
Putting the country's inventory up for sale at bargain prices could get the economy moving again, says Geithner, before eliminating it completely.
"All Circuit City had to do was announce that they were closing all of their stores, and suddenly the place was mobbed with people looking for a deal on the special edition DVD of 'Van Wilder'," Geithner explained. "Once people hear that we're officially pulling the plug on this whole operation, we'll be back in black, metaphorically speaking."
Proceeds from the sale would go towards giving America's banks more money, which they would use to add fancy statues and gold chandeliers to teller stations.
"We're back!" shouted Craig T. Bloomer, president and CEO of Gold Chandeliers, Inc., upon hearing the news.
After upgrading their appearance, banks would use any leftover capital to lend to people looking to pay for the bargain pieces of America that they just put on their credit cards. Such a paradox would "probably fix everything", according to many economists.
"Is having a firesale on an entire country, then using the revenue to lend people money to pay for their own purchases, an example of Keynesian economics?" said one economist. "I'm actually asking you that. John Maynard Keynes is dead. I have no way of knowing what he would think about any of this. I'm guessing he'd be...good with it?"
Early polling indicates that the general public, disillusioned with President Obama's failure to solve the economic crisis within his first 15 days in office, supports the idea.
"I voted for change, but guess what? Nobody came to help me or tell me what to do," whimpered Debbie Heinz, a General Motors worker. "Instead, the politicians started arguing about a stimulus package that isn't even passed yet. Why didn't somebody give me money and make it illegal for me to be laid off?"
Many politicians have said that the stimulus package, considered a long-shot alternative to U.S. bankruptcy unless it gets passed in the next five minutes, is still coming, once both parties agree to compromise on some sticking points, such as $42 million to draw a large smiley face in Nebraska. But for ordinary citizens, a going-out-of-business sale for the U.S. remains the most attractive option.
"I'm disgusted with President Obama, but happy that we'll all get good deals on some America," said another conflicted citizen, John Ludder from North Dakota. "I can't really afford much right now, because I bought four plasma TVs from Circuit City last week, but I think we as a country need to band together and support this effort to sell me more stuff at severe discounts."