Wire Coat Hanger Sales Soaring In South Dakota
The number of wire coat hangers sold in South Dakota has risen sharply, according to a Consumer Reports report reported this Tuesday, spurring a wild coat hanger speculation market and questions as to what could possibly be causing the sudden interest.
"I see a lot of young women buying 'em, so I figure, it's gotta be something with their iPods," said Bob Clebus, manager at the Sioux Falls Wal-Mart. "Maybe a good wire antenna helps them download their music more, and kills unwanted static."
"Scrambling things," guessed a shopper. "Like milkshakes or eggs for a bun in the oven."
Bill Strekin, writer for Business Weekly magazine, noticed concurrent increases in sales of spring jackets and other hangables at the Wal-Mart.
"It's hard to say exactly what precipitated the rise in metal coat hanger purchases, and it's true that the sale on fleece jackets in Isle 3 was a big hit," said Strekin, "but plastic coat hanger salves have remained stagnant, which is curious."
Strekin was quick to caution enthusiastic investors that the boom for companies like "Straighten Out Your Life Hangers, Inc." may be here today, but gone tomorrow -- sales already seem to be tapering off, strangely coinciding with Wal-Mart's announcement that it will stock emergency contraception pills, which apparently can be used to hang clothing on.
Meanwhile, medical supply stores have also reported a sharp increase in the volume of chloroform and ether sold, leading many in the state to believe that a wave of kidnappings could soon arrive.
"My baby!" said one woman in fear. "They're going to take my baby!"
The sales increases have been occurring since Monday, when, in other news, Governor Mike Rounds signed into law a ban on all abortions, except for those necessary to save the life of the mother or on babies deemed to be "Martian or otherwise alien" in nature. As abortion clinics prepare to shut down their offices/turn them into tattoo parlors either permanently or until higher Federal Courts reverse the law clinic workers are busy sterilizing the few wire hangers -- which incidentally can be used for abortions -- that remain on store shelves.
"Our goal is to give women in need of an abortion the safest means possible to survive the ordeal," said orderly Samantha Dixon as she scrubbed an elongated metal wire with hydrogen peroxide. "While we don't recommend that anyone use these things, it's the best we can do to keep young mothers alive next to free transport across state lines."
Dixon added that the metal rods could be employed as marshmallow skewers if the parents change their minds and decide instead to have the child and take it camping.
Pro-choice organizations have roundly criticized the new South Dakota law. Many Planned Parenthood offices are offering free tickets to roller coaster parks to all mothers suffering unwanted pregnancies still in the second-trimester, and free tours of grain alcohol distilleries to mothers 21 or over.
"Why does abortion have to be such a downer?" asked Planned Parenthood spokeswoman Karen White. "Not only is governor Rounds' ban on abortion unlawful, but it's stigmatizing too. We want to break the world free of the image that abortion is a dead-end, miserable, last-resort solution to the problem of being stuck with an unwanted child for life. We're here to show everyone that abortion can literally be a day at the park, especially for mothers early in their pregnancy."
Government officials are taking no chances with the coat hanger sales, assuming them to either be for abortions or some kind of new drug use, and are now confiscating unsold wares from store shelves and declaring a moratorium on all clothing supplier and dry-cleaner sales.
"While we support the right to bear arms, which allows citizens to protect themselves from criminals, we must disarm those who want to pierce the hearts of incubating fetuses," said Governor Rounds in a statement to the press. "Though you may have to go to work tomorrow in a wrinkled shirt, saving the life of one innocent child is worth the sacrifice."