Man Discovers That His Best Talent Is Masturbating
After struggling for years to find a viable career path, local man Don Frasier, 25, was pleased to announce at a press conference today that he has determined the one thing at which he truly excels: "masturbating furiously".
The marathon onanist acquiesced that his skill set may not lead to financial and social successes, but expressed relief to finally discover that he possesses exceptional skill in at least one category.
"It's a dream of mine to someday get paid for this kind of thing, but I have yet to find a tactful way to put 'professional masturbator' on my LinkedIn page," said Frasier. "Still, when I come back home from working all day at the broom factory, getting chewed out the whole time by my asshole boss for not paying enough attention to QC or some shit, at least I know I'll do a world-class job at rubbing one off, and that's something that makes me think that things might be turning around for me."
Acquaintances and family agree that while Fraiser's ability to repeatedly bring himself to orgasm is indeed unique, how to turn it into a lucrative career remains a mystery. Despite the uphill battle, his mother remains optimistic that her son's best days are ahead of him.
"I'm just glad to see that all those hours spent up in his room alone since he was 13, and all of those long showers that ran up our water bills weren't for naught," said the proud, albeit reticent, mother. "So often people just sit around watching TV all day, or spank it endlessly without any thought to quality, but Don has really put a great effort into it, judging by the line of exotic oils and lotions he's collected."
Job-placement offices and potential employers have been watching Frasier's progress with some interest, hoping that he will prove himself to be capable of not only flogging the bishop, but translating his intense masturbation into something that could serve the greater good.
"Who knows -- maybe he'll find a way to turn vigorously rubbing one off into some kind of alternative power source, and serve the green technology industry in ways that we have not yet imagined," hopes former professor Erich Thurgood of Ball State University, where Frasier was briefly enrolled. "It's going to take unusual approaches to attenuate climate change, so maybe the answer is to listen in to what more people like Don are doing in their spare time."
Others have more modest expectations for ways to harness Frasier's highly specialized ability. Indeed, Frasier himself claims to be working on prototypes for various products that would aid not only his masturbatory experience, but that of others' as well.
"For example, I know that a lot of times, I'm not as comfortable as I could be while, you know, doing the deed," explained the self-polluter. "I figure there's got to be a way I can make some kind of garment that's an alternative to just sweatpants. It would be made out of comfortable and easy-to-clean material, maybe with a little flap in the front, and definitely no zippers."
Though the prototype has not yet been developed, Frasier has tentative plans to develop an entire line of the garment, having varying lengths, materials, patterns and other features.
"I'm calling it the Spurt Coat," he added.
In the meantime, however, Frasier intends to continue honing his skills, and possibly launch an on-line blog for others like him to find the best porn sites, or to develop new techniques to make each experience truly memorable. He says he is currently applying for a grant to fund his research.