Area Man's D.C. Bachelor Party Ends In Accidental Gay Marriage
On the eve of his would-be marriage to Linda Watson, local man Gary McLarry spent the evening celebrating with his groomsmen in Washington, D.C. Unfortunately, when he awoke the next morning, he found himself in a state that's every man's worst nightmare -- married to another man.
"I -- I don't even remember it," said McLarry on Monday, choking back tears. "I woke up, and next to me was Frank [Wilkins], my h-h-h-usband."
Wilkins, intended to be McLarry's best man at his original, heterosexual wedding, confessed that he planned the bachelor party in D.C. to take advantage of the district's new law that allows gay couples to wed.
"I wanted on Gary for years," Wilkins said with a smile that was presumably gay. "In fact, I only became friends with him nine years ago as a way to get in his ass. I knew that one day, he would get married, and ask me to be his best man, allowing me to finally execute my plan."
"I love you honey," added Wilkins as he kissed McLarry's forehead. McLarry winced, but allowed the kiss to happen.
"We're married now," he said, welling up again. "I guess that makes me gay, too."
The nation's capital began licensing same sex marriage last week, one of only a few places in the United States which allows gay marriage, at least until the law is struck down by God.
Some critics, however, cannot wait that long, and have blasted the new law, using McLarry's case as an example of what may happen now that homosexuals can wed.
"Marriage has not seen an attack this fierce since blacks got the right to marry whites," said Jim Daly, president and CEO of the conservative group Focus on the Family. "And look what happened there: they started having terrible mixed children, and now I don't know who the hell to be afraid of."
"What's next, people marrying animals?" asked Deborah Jones, a Republican township supervisor in nearby Virginia. "Soon, we'll all be married to everything: rocks, trees, animals, you name it. It sounds amazing, but let's be honest: gay people are gross."
Critics have also cited studies showing that if gay marriage is allowed to occur, the absolute number of divorces in the United States may increase by up to 20%, as more and more gay couples realize they've made a huge mistake normally reserved for breeders.
"More divorce equals more sin," said Daly, "and more sin makes it harder and harder to resist temptations. Temptations like my son's beautiful teenage friend, Terrance."
As for McLarry, he plans to remained married and faithful to Wilkins, choosing to be gay as so many before him have. But he does have a message for others like him: watch out for Washington, D.C.
"It's no wonder so many anti-gay politicians turn out to be gay themselves -- they obviously are tricked by this terrible city," he said.