Area Man Realizes He Can Just Smoke Weed Instead
Instead of putting forth effort at work, continuing to pursue opportunities in higher education, or maintaining an active social and romantic life, Philadelphia resident Henry Immerson realized late yesterday that he can just toke up for a while.
In an exclusive interview, Immerson explained that hitting the kush is actually much easier than trying to do other, non-weed-related things.
"I don't know if anyone else has realized this, but if you smoke a joint or two prior to or instead of doing work, things are a lot more relaxed," said Immerson. "Guess what? I could have prepped for this interview, and had a bunch of facts and shit from the internet. Instead, I did some research on a website that's a lot more fun. It's called www.smokingmybonginsteadofboringbullshit.com. I bet I'm a lot happier right now than you are."
In stunning laboratory tests, scientists were able to corroborate Immerson's claims, as well as declare an end to all future laboratory tests, because shit's too complicated.
"This is totally accurate," proclaimed Dr. Palmer Jaringston, lead researcher in the Smoke Weed department at Cambridge University. "Plus, now I realize that I don't need to research things anymore. It's like, we're all going to die anyway...die from man-made chemicals."
The tests confirmed what many like Immerson have long suspected: monetary and moral payoffs from working hard and being active are simply not as enjoyable as skipping those activities to begin with, then smoking up. Even when presented with the option of using extra money from working hard to buy more and better weed, participants still opted to smoke the weed they had.
"The way I figure it, I don't really need to worry about work or money -- I kind of just show up to the office, and they give me a check sometimes," said Marla Palmer, a woman who researchers paid $45,000 to in order to watch her deeply inhale several ounces of marijuana. At her normal job as a supervisor of management operations and supervisions, she makes $90,000 per year.
"This weed is super good," she said.
World governments are beginning to take notice of the research, and several countries -- including the United States -- are issuing official recommendations that citizens begin smoking pot all the time.
"Hello America, who even fuckin' cares," stated President Barack Obama in a recent televised address, his eyes visibly red and straining to see through a thick cloud of smoke. "We tried our best, man. That's it. Raise your hand if you're as tired of trying as I am."
The President blearily watched his own arm raise, then began laughing hysterically.
Smoking weed is not without its critics; some steadfastly refuse to use the drug, even in the face of its obvious benefits.
"I'll never touch the stuff," groused one man, who now has to do the work of all of his high coworkers, "even though I'd love some enhanced creativity right about now. I can't seem to think of anything to write that isn't ridiculous."