The Metric System Is For Foreign Assholes

Pictured: Frank Patriot

Okay, America. I have been hearing a lot of shit lately about the metric system. Oh, did I say "metric"? What I meant was "stupid fucking commie crap". That's right, the Taliban and Saddam Hussein are at it again, and this time, it's our system of measurements they're after.

What these people and their terrorist friends want us to do is get rid of our tried-and-true American system and start using their non-American way. And in case you forgot, non-American is a synonym for bad. Go ahead, look it up. It's in any thesauraus that prides itself on the good old U.S. of A. So why in the name of the flag of the stars and stripes would we want to use something that's bad?

These people try to tell me that it works in constant multiples of ten, and that it makes everything easier. Well, let me tell you something: America isn't always about what's most convenient and easy. Was it easy for us to fight the Nazis off of our shores during World War II? Was it easy for us to get rid of the invading communists during our great Civil War? Was it easy for us to get over the ATTACKS ON THE COUNTRY ON SEPTEMBER 11th, 2001 JESUS BLESS OUR COUNTRY? I don't fucking think so.

I'll tell you what's not so easy: our system of measurements. It's based on arbitary multiples of awkward numbers that have little-to-nothing to do with each other. And god damnit, that's the way I like it. I don't need some foreign French fucking wussy war-running-away-from wussy trying to tell me about wussy French efficiency. I'll tell you what they're efficient at: being wussies. What I'm efficient at is using the same thing that we've always used, for now and forever, because that's the way we do things here in the red white and blue. Go back to Wussyland and eat Wussyburgers.

People tell me we're isolating ourselves from the rest of the world. I say, what the hell is the god damned problem? The rest of the world is not as good as us, and therefore, we should cut all of our ties to them as much as possible. I'm already uncomfortable enough with the fact that there are other languages just floating around out there besides English. Now you're telling me we have to give up our own individual measurement system too? On behalf of George Washington, the greatest and smartest man who ever lived, I don't think so.

So the next time you hear someone talk about the metric system, kindly inform them of how they could go to jail for being unpatriotic. Those bastards have gone far enough.

Frank Patriot is a true American who lives at an undisclosed location somewhere in America. In his spare time, he enjoys measuring things in inches.

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