The FCC Should Be Monitoring This Article

Pictured: Frank Patriot

Dear America, the time has come once more to thank our President and Commander George Walker Bush for yet another gift to our country, even if some Communist Hippies won't appreciate it. What out of his 3,000 most recent accomplishments am I talking about? The choosing of Kevin Martin to head the greatest of all American institutions: the FCC. We don't know how lucky we are to have such a bright man sitting on top of the nation's most powerful free speech-regulatory agency, and I'll tell you why.

Some people in this country think that having First Amendment rights isn't enough – they also think that they have the right to exercise them too, which is enough to bring the Terrorism Alert level up to red (everyone always says that chart is silly and hard to remember, but don't listen to those bastards -- I had it committed to memory in a day and a half thanks to a six-foot tall model of it on my living room wall). There are so many examples that I don't know where to begin: the Superbowl halftime show (don't tell me that that hippie Paul McCartney wasn't singing about marijuana reefers), Spongebob Gaypants (I've been hearing lately that he's also a North Korean who has AIDS, so watch out for that), and every woman on TV in general are just the tip of the iceberg.

But what's really dangerous is that I could accidentally be doing something offensive or un-American without even knowing it! Me, America! But that's the kind of world we live in today, and that's why the FCC is there to set me straight.

In fact, I expect that the FCC are closely monitoring this very article. That's right – even Yours Truly is theoretically capable of unintentionally saying something derogatory about our government, or accidentally mentioning the words "gay", "throbbing cock", "anal", or "ass-fucking gay fucker". Thank God that they are there to stop us even before we start inadvertently bashing this great nation – or deliberately, if you're a communist, liberal, hippie, terrorist, or queer.

Please monitor this article, Kev! For all I know, Al Quaeda might use it as a step stool to world domination -- there's computer codes for that kind of thing! Words are potent and, without strict surveillance, they could be used to sway public opinion. You know what that is, America? That's right: anarchy! What if Osama bin Laden found this article on the embarrassingly un-monitored Internet, and rearranged all the words and told people to "Destroy America, and do it now, before it's too late and the war in Iraq kills all of us, which it's very close to doing"? That would be the end of this nation, and that's why the FCC needs to perk up and pay attention.

And let's be honest, America: the Internet, even with potential no goodnicks like me and bin Laden, is just the beginning; I expect that Kevin Martin will make quick work of radio and television, too. Why not make them illegal, as a matter of fact? I have tapes of the History Channel and PAX, anyway, and without liberal commercials for hybrid cars, to boot. But please, Kevin, don't stop there -- it's time to crack down on every potential tool for terrorism and shock value, except for big guns and weapons. When I hear the words "free speech", I don't think about dissent -- I think about the nice lady that cured me of my lisp when I was 10. It's called free SPEECH; not free WORDS, free LETTERS or free EVERYTHING. If we only go as far as mass media regulation, then it is possible that anti-Americanism or subversiveness could spread through the casual conversations we have with neighbors, friends and family, and that would rip apart the very fabric of what makes this country so great.

The point is, America, we don't need any more ideas out there. Aren't there enough already? You know what they say: "If you don't have anything American to say, don't say anything at all." Everyone should be happy that we HAVE a Constitution before you go complaining about the fact that the rights maintained therein are being denied. So before you bitch about your right to free speech being muted, just think about what could happen if this article is to fall into the wrong hands! Think about THAT for a minute, and then thank your lucky stars that Kevin Martin will be there for you to protect you.

Frank Patriot is a true American who lives at an undisclosed location somewhere in America. He hopes that Kevin Martin will take another look at the Constitution, just in case.

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: